Three Steps to Becoming Content

MyLife Essay Contest

Hollywood has made its bread and butter on happy endings, because at the end  of the day, all we really want is to be happy. But in an increasingly material society, where happiness is sold on billboards for the price of a Prada handbag or a new BMW, contentment is often the first casualty. This essay explores the drivers of discontent, drawing upon theoretical assumptions put forward by the Object Relations Theory, and turning to the concepts of honesty and humility, and taking stock of one’s sensory inputs as presented in Chassidic literature. The essay then demonstrates how the teachings of Chassidus Chabad address the underlying cognitive, emotional and behavioral contributors to discontentment and provides a meaningful intervention.

The difference between happiness and contentment can be described as the difference between curbing your hunger and feeling satiated. Happiness is an expression of joy or pleasure, and is often dressed in a smile. However, happiness is an emotion like any other—it is momentary and transient. In this way it is akin to snacking, where the experience is pleasurable but also fleeting. Contentment, on the other hand, is a state of being, which doesn’t fluctuate or vary. It is a feeling of sustained happiness, of fulfillment and satisfaction.

So as the Western world marches on towards abject materialism, happiness has never had it so good. We are happy when we purchase a new phone, when our new shoes arrive in the mail, and when our Facebook posts are ‘liked’ by our online community, and we are happy by the little things in life, like having sushi delivered on a snowy winter’s night. But what of contentment? Are we more content than our parents and grandparents before them? Are we more confident; do we feel more loved or fulfilled? Do we not still suffer from loneliness and insecurities? Do we not still quarrel with the people we hold dear? And do we not still try to keep up with the Joneses?

The constant exposure of retail advertising gnaws at our contentment. How can we feel accomplished when we don’t have the material possessions of those smiling models on billboards and TV? Have we not worked hard enough? Is our job not good enough? And who can forget the people we don’t really care for but nevertheless aim to impress by spending money we don’t have to buy things we don’t need. Can we really be content when we spend our lives just trying to keep up with everybody else?

In attempting to answer the discontentment we may sometimes feel in our lives, the Object Relations Theory (ORT) pointed to what it termed the False Self.¹ According to this psychodynamic theory, an individual developed a False Self when he or she was made to conform to a caretaker’s schedule rather than their own internal one. If a baby was compelled to eat and sleep when it suited the caretaker rather than when the baby was hungry or tired, then ORT believed that the baby would develop an orientation to the external world before organizing  its own internal one first. As a result, an individual becomes more vulnerable to external pressures and seeks material possessions, such as clothes, cars and other items as a medium of self-expression, because their own internal identity hasn’t fully formed. To this individual, material possessions are not only a luxury or source of pleasure, but also a path to self-worth and self-esteem. Thus, according to ORT, basing one’s evaluation of self upon such brittle foundations is a sure recipe for discontentment.

However, while the Object Relations Theory seems sound, it fails to account for the children who grew into adults without a debilitating False Self. Is this to suggest that only individuals who weren’t fed on time as infants will experience discontent?

Furthermore, ORT’s assessment neglects to provide a practical way out. If discontent is born of a vulnerability developed in childhood, how can we turn back the clock on our insecurities?

In a discourse delivered at his daughter’s pre-wedding celebration in 1927, the Rebbe Rayatz asserted that discontentment stems from an inflated sense of self- worth.² Leaning his position on real-life occurrences, the Rebbe Rayatz posited that people who dwell within their own self-importance are driven to desire all forms of material possessions, to the extent that their cravings are only satisfied when these items are bought or behaviors engaged in.

As he continues, the Rebbe Rayatz addresses discontent at the cognitive, emotional and behavioral level. At the cognitive level, when an individual values his own cognitive abilities or opinion more highly than he considers the opinion of others, it gives birth to an increased sense of entitlement and social significance. Additionally, if one loves his or herself to an unhealthy degree, they become precious in their own estimation, and develop unrealistic expectations of themselves and the world around them. It is when this bubble of self-absorption bursts that the individual is left with an emotional void that needs filling. And until that empty space is filled, the individual is harassed by feelings of discontent, of not feeling accomplished or comfortable in their current status.

Discontentment then impacts the individual’s behavior, compelling him or her to pursue particular behaviors or possessions to soothe their cravings. To compound the issue, the pursuit of such gratification often employs antisocial intentions and actions.

In this manner, the Rebbe Rayatz determines that the individual plays a highly active role in his/her own development, insisting that we are ultimately responsible for the way we feel about ourselves. According to the Rebbe Rayatz, humility and honesty with oneself become the keys to a healthy identity and a healthy sense of self. It is with humility that an individual can readily reject the urge to live beyond his or her means, or to cave to external pressures. It is humility that prevents one’s self-esteem from being vulnerable to social  influence, and provides a sense of self-worth without need for keeping par with the Joneses.

In a similar tone, the Rebbe Rashab’s use of an analogy of a candle³ conveys the individual’s active role in his/her own development. Just as a candle relies on the air it breathes to maintain a healthy flame, so too does one’s immediate environment impact his mental and emotional health. If a candle is forced to breathe only stale oxygen, its flame will be thin and weakly colored. But if the candle is fed fresh air, it will produce a healthy and brightly colored flame.

In the analogue: a healthy and positive environment fosters mental wellbeing and emotional stability, while a negative environment triggers frustrations and breeds discontent.

To cultivate a positive environment, the individual must be keenly aware of their cognitive, emotional and sensory inputs,⁴ which is the premise behind this essay’s proposed intervention. The path to nurturing contentment is not simply finding more opportunities for happiness, but rather altering the lens through which we experience the world. Accordingly, the way to recreate one’s environment parallels the three steps of redesigning a house:⁵

• First, you must clear the area of its original clutter.The individual needs to take a colloquial look in the mirror, an honest and humble appraisal of one’s current state, and rid oneself of all negative mental, emotional and sensory inputs. Who are the voices that we listen to? What materials do we read and expose ourselves to? Are they empowering or do they make us feel frustrated and inadequate?

• Second, the area needs an honest estimation of a suitable design.The individual must make an honest and humble assessment of his abilities and potential for achievement. In this sense, humility is not the lowering of one’s self esteem; rather, it is releasing oneself of unrealistic expectations. It is an honest estimation of one’s abilities and potential for accomplishment, and feeling pride in those accomplishments. In other words, humility breeds confidence and contentment.

• Third, the construction and design takes place.The individual needs to ensure that he is focusing his attention to only positive inputs. When we focus on the love we feel in our lives, we can become more secure in who we are. When we are honest and humble about what makes us unique, we encourage confidence in our abilities to achieve. And when we are grateful for what we already have, we reduce the compulsion to desire more than we need.

Footnotes and Sources

1. Ecopsychology: Restoring the earth, healing the mind. Roszak, Theodore (Ed); Gomes, Mary E. (Ed); Kanner, Allen D. (Ed) San Francisco, CA, US: Sierra Club Books. (1995). xxiii 338 pp.

2. Vchol Bonayich, Shabbos Parshas Vayetzeh, 5689 (Drushei Chassuna).

3. Ner Chanuka, 5666.

4. Shabbos Parshas Shoftim, Elul 7, 5751. See also the Shaloh’s commentary to Deuteronomy 16:18.

5. The intervention design is based on a recurrent analogy in Chassidus of clearing an area to build a house, which expresses the two steps of ‘turn away from evil’ and ‘do good.’