“Who am I?”

MyLife Essay Contest 2015

Living in the 21st century, when there no longer exists any form of social barriers, we are bombarded with an overwhelming, seemingly endless, wave of lifestyles of all types. Affected by the environment and our social surroundings, we have to deal with the constant issue of, “How do I identify myself, what is the real me?” Besides for having to address this issue stemming from the outside world, it seems that this problem is likewise forced upon us by Torah and Chassidus. Stuck between where Chassidus tells us where we should be and where we are actually holding, we are left empty handed with a sense of confusion and misdirection.

In order to address how Chassidus teaches us how we should truly value ourselves, we must first address the dichotomy that Chassidus establishes. Chassidus teaches that the only thing that truly exists is G-d. He is not only the creator of the world, but the life force that permeates every being and everything. As such, our service of G-d should mirror this reality. Every facet of our lives should be permeated with G-dliness, whether as a direct act of service or as a conduit to further our connection. Anything that we do that is done simply for our own benefit is considered a concealment of G-dliness.

We are left with an ultimatum. Overwhelmed by the demands and expectations that Chassidus places upon us, we can choose to identify ourselves by the reality in front of our eyes. It’s not that we no longer believe what the Torah says, but it is taken more as a whimsical dream than a practical aspiration. As much as we would like to be better, we accept that reality we are currently dealing with. This decision often leads to becoming overly comfortable with one’s current situation and inhibits any real growth. The other option is to remain steadfast and cling onto our convictions. We choose to define ourselves by how we want to be. We shun the bile being spewed from the baseless and corrupt world and isolate ourselves within the walls of Torah and Holiness. This decision often leads to neglect of one’s personal and physical needs, and one loses touch with those around him.

So any person who learns Chassidus has to ask himself, “Where do I find myself?” According to Carl Young and the Humanistic school of Psychology, how we categorize ourselves affects how we in turn act. We tend to behave more like the category we identify ourselves to be. So, defining where we find ourselves, doesn’t only help how we view ourselves, but also leads to what type of decisions we make.

The Rebbe Rashab, in one of his most famous Hemseichim (series) Samech Vov, discusses the creation of the world and life. In the Ma’amar, he introduces a paradox. On the one hand, only G-d himself has to power to create ex-nihilo. Yet, to ‘create’ is an act of leaving oneself and entering the world of the other. Once, however, the light leaves, it is no longer together with G-d, and therefore can no longer create. The Rebbe Rashab therefore introduces a new concept: Raso Ve’Shuv. In essence, the ray of G-dliness that is creating the world has a bilateral existence. It is at the same time bound together with G-d, and simultaneously far away so it can create the world. This is accomplished only by the ray’s boundless dedication and nullification to G-d. Wanting nothing more than to cleave to G-d, it relinquishes any form of personal will to that of G-ds. However, what G-d truly wants if for the ray to leave his closeness and create the world. The ray is therefore in a constant state of both elevation and depression. It is only because he was given over his will for that of G-ds, does he have the ability to create life.

When it comes down to the ultimatum of how we should look at ourselves, we are truly limited to choosing only one option. This is only true however, if we confine ourselves to our own limitations. In essence, what G-d wants from us is a life of contradictions. To bring G-dliness into the G-dless and the empty. To live in the physical world, and nevertheless use it out in the service of G-d.  The only way this is possible is if we allow G-d to truly permeate our lives. We must no longer serve G-d because of the benefits that we gain out of it, but rather we should dedicate ourselves to whatever G-d desires. We can never forget the current state where we are holding, nor can we forget where we must reach. And though, truthfully, this is quite a task, can there really be a price too high for life?