Bad Hair Day

MyLife Essay Contest 2015

I saw the following on Chabad.org: The holy Baal Shem Tov taught: “When you see ill in your friend, it is your own ill that you are observing.” Like a mirror that reflects nothing but what you place before it, so too what you see in your fellow reflects nothing but what you yourself possess.

I used to be a very critical person. Critical of myself, but also critical of others. If I walked into a room full of other people, I would fairly quickly try to figure out what was wrong with each person. This one’s problem is that he is too haughty. This one is too much into gashmiyut. That one needs to lose weight. This one dresses poorly. The one over there has a weird smile. That one is extremely annoying.

I was looking at a room of flawed people, and it would depress me. (I don’t know why – since everyone is flawed, it is not realistic to expect perfection in others). But that’s what I did.
Then I heard someone at a farbrengen (a Chassidic gathering) explaining the Ba’al Shem Tov’s teaching according to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. The Rebbe raised the following point: Our Sages say that G-d also observes the same commandments that He wants us to follow. They also say that everything that every person experiences every day is actually a personal tutoring directly from G-d. So, when you see something negative in another person, G-d is showing it to you. Since one of the commandments is not to say something negative about others (lashon hara), when G-d is showing you something negative about a person, He is in effect “saying lashon hara” (speaking negatively) about that person. So He must have a reason, and it must be to teach you something.
The Rebbe says that when you see something negative in another person, that means that you have that same trait, though possibly in a minute amount, and you are being shown what you need to work on. But the question arises, says the Rebbe, couldn’t there be a situation in which the negative trait you see is really just in that person, and you are free of it?

The answer is, apparently, that it depends on your reaction. Quoting the Ba’al Shem Tov, the Rebbe says that if your reaction to the person is to get annoyed at them, then that is a clear sign that you also have that particular quality. If your reaction is that you want to help the person overcome or deal with his/her negative trait, then that is a sign that you, by Divine Providence, happened upon a person who you can help refine their character.

This insight helped me deal with crowds. I formerly didn’t especially like going to places with lots of people, because I would begin to ruminate on each person’s flaws and would just get slightly depressed. Plus since I tend to be also critical of myself, I would frequently feel awkward around people. But armed with this new knowledge, it instead became a challenge. I’d go into a room where there were people and try to find the most annoying person I could, try to figure out what it was about them that annoyed me. Then I would reflect on that issue and it was usually helpful. When I remembered to do it.

From time to time I still come across people who I find annoying. Not all the time can I figure out why they annoy me. About a year ago, my wife saw that a person, visiting Eretz Yisrael from the US, posted on Facebook that the family he was staying with on his pilot trip for Aliya had suddenly told him he had to leave and he didn’t have a place to stay. He seemed a little bitter and upset. We contacted him and heard his story, which was that this host sort of had some unspoken expectations of their guest (they wanted him to help paint their apartment) that they sprung on him after he arrived, and when he balked, they told him he had to leave. So my wife, being the kind-hearted person she is, said we should let him use our guest room as a base before he flew back to the US, so he wouldn’t have bad feelings about Eretz Yisrael.

When he arrived, he was a little under the weather. He was what they call a “big boy” – he must have weighed 300 pounds at least. He settled in to our guest room, and fell asleep. He seemed to spend a lot of time in there. Then he would come out and my wife would offer him what to eat. He soon became very comfortable opening our fridge and making himself a meal. Then he would go back into the guest room.

I started to get vaguely annoyed with him. I mean, he was supposed to be on a pilot trip, but he seemed to spend all of his time in a closed room. How could he see Eretz Yisrael if he didn’t go outside? My wife reminded me that he was getting over a cold.

About the third day, he came out of the room just as I happened to walk past the guest room door. His laptop was open on the bed. He was wearing an Afro-wig, with a keepa on top. I gave him a puzzled look, and he said, “I’m having a bad hair day”. Then he went to the kitchen, got something to eat and went back into the guest room.

Later that day, I told my wife that I didn’t know what it was about this guy, but I found him extremely annoying. I was surprised at myself, because I am usually pretty easy going and stuff doesn’t bother me. (I’m not implying that I have no character flaws. I lived in California for a while and must have picked up that California attitude.) She said, “so what about that thing the Ba’al Shem Tov says that you are always telling me, that if you see something in another person and it bothers you, that is a sign you should check yourself?”

She was right, of course. I had forgotten. I made a list of all of the things about him that bothered me, and one after the other, each of them was something that I also had, sort of. Once I figured that out, he was no longer irritating. I still thought he was weird and had a warped sense of humor, but I am also a little weird and have a warped sense of humor. So, once again, the Ba’al Shem Tov comes to the rescue.

This is something anyone can use. In Chassidut there is the idea of Hasgacha Pratit, Divine Providence, and in effect every one of us is being “home schooled” by the Creator of the Universe. He’s teaching us these lessons about life, about ourselves, about other people, if we only pay attention. It is very cool and very humbling at the same time.
You don’t have to take my word for it. Try it. Look for people who annoy you and then try to figure out why they do. You might find it quite instructive and you will start looking at people in an entirely new light. Even when they are having a bad hair day.