Educating through Love or Fear?
Essays 2015
MyLife Essay Contest
The following essay compares the relationship of love and fear of G-d, as explained in a Chassidic discourse, to the role love and fear play in education. We then glean a practical application in the choice between discipline with fear or love.
Love or fear
With regard to education, the question is well-known: What is the most effective way to educate a child; is it with firm discipline by instilling fear in a child, or to embrace him with love and warmth so that the child will be motivated to do the right thing on his own?
Modern thought and most schooling systems adopt and enforce a very gentle and non- demanding attitude in education. They claim that being too demanding and controlling on a child can have detrimental effects on his emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing.
Their approach however, can lead to a negligence in proper behavior, a lack of reverence for the educational system, and an unmotivated child. Which sometimes leaves educators and parents wondering, maybe tougher discipline is the better way.
The relationship between parent and child, and between student and teacher, reflects the relationship the Jewish people have with G-d.1 Just as parents invest and nurture their children, G-d invests in and cares about the people He has created.
If we explore the nature of our relationship with G-d in the light of Chassidic teaching, we will be able to gain deeper understanding and insight into the relationships our students and kids have with us. We therefore inquire of our relationship with G-d; what is its main component – fear or love?
Divine service
Amidst a Torah portion that discusses a myriad of laws given at Sinai, and the Jews’ eventual entry to the land of Israel, G-d promises2 “Serve G-d your Lord, He will then bless your bread and water, and will remove all sickness from you…”
G-d assures us that He’ll take care of us, fight our enemies and bequeath us the Promised Land, much like a good parent who takes care of his child, stands up for him, and gives him many delights.
G-d, however, requests of us “Serve G-d your Lord” – “Please, I ask of you to serve me.”
“What kind of service is requested from us?” probes Chassidus.3 What is the connection that G- d has with us? What is the most effective and beneficial way for us to serve G-d; is it love or fear?
The term ‘service’ here refers to the submission of a servant. The servant serves his master from fear, it is not his will. The servant feels no sense of self, has no desires and no identity; he lives to fulfill his master’s wishes.
Likewise this means that G-d is asking us to simply fulfill His commands, as a servant would – from fear. We are to do so, regardless of fact that we may not have internalized these commands, aren’t aroused with love of G-d, and haven’t changed our character.
With children, as well, that would be the case much of the time, when children are expected to follow their parents’ command even if they don’t understand the logic behind it. Irrespective of the child’s bad character and feelings about doing his chores, the child must listen.
However, although it is true that we were given a very concrete task, as our sages say “the main thing is the deed”4, which only requires that we fulfill in actuality the commandments, for which fear alone suffices, nonetheless divine service here refers to something more.
The command to serve G-d specifically refers to prayer,5 which is a service of love (regarding prayer specifically it was said “there is none like the service of love”6).
Hence clearly G-d’s intention is that we also connect with him with love. At prayer we discover that our relationship with G-d is not only with our abilities and functions, but also with our heart. At this time of prayer, we contemplate on His greatness, and are awakened to love Him.
Serving G-d with love has many advantages:
- One of the aims of prayer is to transform our animalistic soul to good. This animal soul is the spirit inside of us that comprises our physical and material life, as opposed to the competing spiritual side of our life. It is motivated by its animal-like desires – whatever appeals to it, it will do.The best way to transform our animalistic soul that it find our spiritual life appealing, is by relating to it on its own terms. Love, an emotion, is a language our animal soul speaks. The Love of G-d in prayer that the G-dly soul experiences, has the ability to transform our animal soul. Whereas service from fear can perhaps momentarily put a pause on the animalistic complex, it cannot eliminate it. You might win the battle but you have yet to win the war.
- By connecting our animalistic soul to G-d (through love), the G-dly soul gets elevated as The G-dly soul’s sole purpose in descending to this world is to elevate its animalistic counterpart. When it succeeds it doing so, it is ‘promoted’ and united with its Source.
- “Service” indicates work that much toil was invested This can be said mainly regarding serving G-d with love.True, to attain the state of fearing G-d, requires much effort, however the actual fear stresses on results – based on this fear you do what G-d wants, and refrain from that which G-d doesn’t want.The fear itself is more a result than a process. Hence we find those who naturally have fear of G-d; they have accustomed themselves to follow G-d’s ways. For them it is not a continual struggle, it is a given. Love of G-d on the other hand requires a continuous mental effort to arouse love in his heart through contemplation on G-d’s greatness.7
In education
All of the above in our relationship with G-d, can be applied to the relationship of a parent and a child, a teacher and a student. Even though the element of fear is necessary and vital in education, the most advantageous and effective mode of influence is love.
While instilling fear gives the educator a momentary sense of control and authority, it is only temporary. Through a relationship of care and love one actually expect to bring about an internal change and understanding on the part of the student.
Love is also reciprocal. When a child is educated with love, he learns to love the educator, the teachings and the learning itself.
Education with love also makes the child more enthusiastic. Since he’s being taken into consideration, he has more willingness to cooperate.
To take this analogy even further:
Just as love of G-d is achieved through contemplation of G-d’s greatness, the love between a parent and a child can get strengthened intellectually too; when a child realizes the great gift of life his parents have given him, it causes him to love his parents. Likewise, the thought of the inner connection parents have to their children, brings out their love to their children.
The same is true by a teacher and a student: If a child is given to understand and appreciate the important role of his teacher as his source of wisdom and guidance, and the teacher values and recognizes the potential in his student, their relationship can be based on love.
Based on this analogy, we get a few educational strategies:
- Next time you want to harshly reprimand or scream at your child, stop and think for a moment: will this effect a positive internal change in my child and impart to him the importance of behaving properly? Is this a situation where it is necessary to resort to strong discipline since my child isn’t ready to work this out in a more effective way?
- One should stop and think from time to time about how much his children mean to him, and remember his love for He should give thought to how best educate them in a meaningful way. It is recommended that parents set aside half an hour a day to think of their children’s education.8
- Be Don’t expect the improvement to necessarily come right away. Since you’re effecting the child in an internal way, changing the way he feels about his behavior, it might take more time. In the long-term though, it is a more efficient approach than that of raw, harsh-handed discipline.
Education today
So yes, the prevalent educational theory of today is both right and wrong.
Discipline does have place in education. It is most necessary, at least sometimes, and especially during early childhood and adolescence. At the same time, this is not the goal, and it is not the preferred way, as explained above.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe’s opinion regarding education today, is well known: Even though discipline is vital, and has been in years bygone taken quite seriously, the greatest way to affect a child is through care and love.9
The Rebbe once told an educator in a private audience: “In general, with regard to education, since time immemorial the ways of kindness and endearment are more successful. However, now in our times, the path of kindness and endearment are truly the only way to educate.”10
This is one example of a concept in Chassidus that may seem abstract at first, but can be applied to the everyday life. Chassidus’ concepts are in fact the blueprints of the world, they discuss the very sources of things in creation, and the way they were intended by their creator. Understanding these concepts and applying them to our life, will enhance much of our daily experience.
Footnotes and Sources
Partly based on the Maamer of Mishpatim 5712 (1952)
3. Beginning of Maamer Mishpatim 5712 (1952)