Mending Broken Vessels

MyLife Essay Contest

Healing Parenting Advice

How do I deal with a challenging child?  How can I educate a resistant student? How do I reach out to a rebellious teenager or adult?  And, perhaps most personally, how can I rebound when I feel disillusioned or disappointed with myself?

These are questions that many of us grapple with, and as a parent and educator, I face these issues constantly.  As a parent, it is easier to raise those children who are docile and compliant and who follow the guidelines we give.  But what about the child who is hyperactive, who struggles with rules and boundaries? How can we remain positive with this child, when we are challenged by his/her behavior?  There are children who have angry outbursts and who seem to break our rules out of spite.  How can we educate these children with love, and refrain from labeling them or reacting impulsively with anger and negativity?

The Alter Rebbe, in his Chassidic work Torah Ohr, addresses precisely this issue, mapping out a strategy of outreach based on Kabbalistic teachings and the Torah’s passages describing the encounter between the twin brothers, Jacob and Eisau.  The Alter Rebbe’s solution is based on the Kabalistic concept called the “shattering of vessels” and the more we understand what this means, we can begin to mend these vessels to raise healthy children and students, who are well balanced and responsive.

The holy Arizal explains that there was a world called Tohu- Chaos, which existed before the world that we know.  This primordial world was classified as full of light but with few
vessels.  The result of this imbalance was the “shattering of vessels”, for there was not a proper receptacle for the great energy and light.  Following the world of Tohu, G-d created the world of Tikkun, which means Rectification. This world is characterized by less light and more vessels- in other words, a balance between the light and vessels, so that the light can be contained appropriately.

An important point to bear in mind is that with the “shattering of vessels” from the world of Tohu, sparks of light scattered and spread and are waiting to be refined through the proper channeling.  We can elevate these sparks by finding them appropriate vessels of expression. Any time we take an element or object in this world and use it for a good deed, we are elevating those sparks.

Now let’s understand how this connects to Isaac and Rebecca’s twin sons and our own struggles with parenting.  After Jacob received the bulk of Isaac’s blessings, his older brother Eisau hated him and even wanted to kill him.  More than 20 years later, they were about to meet again, and Jacob’s behavior seems peculiar. Here is the verse from Genesis, Chapter 33, 3, “And he (Jacob) went ahead of them and prostrated himself to the ground seven times, until he came close to his brother (Eisau).”

[aside] The Eisau below was wicked, however in his original source in Tohu, he possessed lights that were even greater than in Tikkun. [/aside]

Why did Jacob prostrate himself so many times before his brother?  Was it appropriate for Jacob to show such humility and submissiveness before the wicked Eisau? The Alter Rebbe explains in Torah Ohr that Jacob’s behavior was based on the fact that Eisau’s soul root was the world of Tohu, while Jacob’s root was the world of Tikkun. Jacob embodied truth, balance and harmony, as is compatible with the world of Tikkun, where lights and vessels are in
balance.  The Eisau below was wicked, however in his original source in Tohu, he possessed lights that were even greater than in Tikkun.

Eisau had huge potential for good and holiness, which is why Isaac wanted to give him the first born blessings, as explained in Likutei Sichot by the Lubavitcher Rebbe. This is also why Jacob reached out to his brother with love in Parshat Vayishlach, as explained by the Alter Rebbe in Torah Ohr.  Both Isaac and Jacob were hoping to unleash the powerful energy and potential for holiness which was contained within Eisav, because of his source from Tohu.  Eisau, however, suffered a “shattering of vessels”, which happens any time a person with great energy doesn’t find a proper channel for it. The individual becomes disillusioned and then resorts to negative channels for this potent energy.  In Eisau’s case, he turned to hunting, raping, and killing. And although Eisau’s father and brother didn’t succeed entirely in bringing him to recovery, we do find that they succeeded to some degree.

In Torah Ohr, it’s explained that when Jacob prostrated himself seven times before Eisau, he was bending to pick up the “fallen sparks,” to collect the good in Eisau which had fallen with his shattering. And, indeed, “Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.”  There was a moment of soul revelation and of the two brothers uniting as before the “shattering of the vessels.”

Aside from a deeper understanding of the reunion between Jacob and Eisau, these Chassidic teachings provide us with priceless parenting lessons.  A major part of dealing with challenging children, students and adults is understanding them.  When we recognize their great potential, we will view them more positively and will seek to provide them with appropriate outlets for their energy and talents.

We must avoid the “shattering of vessels” at all costs. Because when a person doesn’t have a channel for his/her energies and talents, s/he becomes at risk of finding negative outlets or even addictions to fill this need.  But even if the individual falls into crisis, we can help him/her out by focusing on his/her innate potential and offering positive outlets. Modern psychology also emphasizes positive reinforcement in education. Chassidut, however, gives us the additional understanding of the child’s source, the root of all negative behavior, and the methodology needed to steer him/her back on course.

There are three meditations to keep in mind when dealing with the challenging child, student or adult.

1. This individual has great strengths, even more than average.
2. These energies weren’t given a positive outlet, and therefore fell into something negative.
3. The way to rectify this “breaking of vessels” is to go back to the original source which is positive, to view the child as such, and to find a positive outlet for the individual.

We can also use this method in parenting ourselves.
Even if we find ourselves involved in self destructive habits or addictions, we can rehabilitate ourselves by remembering three things.

1. We have infinite G-dly potential and unique strengths and abilities.
2. The reason we failed is that this tremendous energy was misdirected.
3. We can re-center ourselves by remembering our positive potential and channeling our energies and talents into productive activities.

There is a story told in the Gemara to illustrate the success of this method. In Bava Metzia it relates that Reish Lakish was a famous highway robber in his day.  He once pounced on the legendary sage, Rabbi Yochanan, who told him two words that would change his life
forever.  Rabbi Yochanan said to Reish Lakish, “Cheilcha l’oraisa”, “Your strength should be used for Torah!”

When Reish Lakish realized that Rabbi Yochanan saw him for his true worth and recognized his great potential, he became a true penitent and a Torah scholar on par with R’ Yochanan.

I am blessed that my rambunctious five year old son has a nurturing teacher, who models this Chassidic method.  The other day he told me proudly, “You know, my teacher believes in me.”

By understanding the Chassidic concept of the “shattering of vessels”, we can better understand our children and ourselves, so we can educate with love and reveal our greatest potential.