The Gift of a Broken Heart

MyLife Essay Contest

Introduction:

This essay will address how to transform deep pain, resulting from repeated molestation, subsequent sexual, emotional and financial abuse into a life that is filled with deep joy, innocence, love for all mankind (including the abusers), and a deep trust in a loving G-d, using concepts found in Chassidus.¹

Background:

I was born into a Chabad family with roots tracing back directly to the Alter Rebbe, the founder of Chabad Chassidus. As a young child, I remember the sheer joy of experiencing the late Lubavitcher Rebbe through his gatherings (known as a farbrengen’s) for children, where I took copious notes as he shared his pearls of wisdom with us and inspired us to be our best selves. He helped us realize how powerful each one of us are and how we each had the power to transform the world, one soul at a time. His unconditional love for all of humanity, along with his tremendous smile and enthusiasm penetrated my heart and soul, memories that will stay with me indefinitely.

Loss of Innocence:

My youthful days of bliss came to a crashing halt when I was 11 years old and my innocence was suddenly taken from me as if by lightning. In those days, parents didn’t share sexual abuse information with their children and so, not only was I violated, but my innocence was so great, that I didn’t know I was violated, until many years later. Instead, I embarked on a journey of self hatred, self loathing and self destruction. Because my perpetrator was an Orthodox Rabbi, I immediately began to sever my ties with the Judaism I had come to love so much as a way of blocking out those traumatic experiences.  I began to believe that I was evil for what I had “allowed” to happen and so I no longer thought I was worthy of G-d’s love. I also reasoned that if this Rabbi was representative of G-d, then I wanted nothing to do with Him. The Rabbi, whom I still considered an authority figure, instructed me not to tell, so I was not able to process what had happened in a healthy way with another adult.  I carried the guilt and shame of this experience for over two decades.

The Journey Begins:

Convinced I was doomed anyway, I rationalized that I might as well “enjoy” my time here on earth and be free to do whatever I wanted. And so I became a slave to my fears and earthly desires as I began climbing the mountain of corporate success, achieving multiple advanced degrees, prestigious high paying jobs, traveling extensively, making friends with people in high places, and engaging in many addictions which allowed me live a life of lies. I wish I could tell you that my escape from my roots was pleasurable, but that would be a big lie.  While I had many interesting and exciting experiences, deep down I lived with a constant pain that I was convinced would go away, if I could just climb higher up on that mountain to success. For the sake of brevity, after much hard work, I got to the top of that mountain but instead of feeling euphoria, I became suicidal because I knew in every strand of my DNA, that I had been climbing the wrong mountain. The top of that mountain became my bottom or my gift of desperation.

The Real Journey Begins:

I was working in what I thought was my dream job, making lots of money, traveling extensively and staying at the most luxurious hotels. I was living in California, in a place where there were very few jews, much less observant ones. I liked it that way, so I didn’t have to be reminded of where I came from. It was Chanukah time and I was shopping in one of the outdoor malls when I ran into a Chabad Rabbi not too far from where I lived. They were giving out menorahs and I instinctively accepted one. When I came home, I lit the candle and all of a sudden rivers of tears streamed down my face. The tears kept coming and all I remember saying to G-d was that I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore. I had lots of friends, a job and a family back in Crown Heights so I wasn’t literally alone, but I knew the loneliness I was experiencing was an existential loneliness, the absence of G-d’s presence in my life. I asked G-d to accept my tears as prayers and I asked him to help me return to Him. I told him I would not continue living this way and that unless He came back into my life, He might as well take my life.

When the Student is Ready the Teacher Appears:

G-d sent many angels (beginning with the shluchim where I lived) to help me come back to my roots. I have since had a myriad of synchronistic events happen along my journey which was G-d’s clear message to me that he was present in my life and had my back. It has been a long, difficult and painful journey with many bumps and bruises along the way but what kept me going was a deep sense that I was being carried and slowly allowing in the love and light of G-d, which moment by moment would transform my darkness into light. Pain is also a great motivator and I knew full well that the pain of going back was far greater than the pain of returning. Coming back to my Judaism meant facing my abuse, the memories, the feelings and grieving the lost years of innocence. In fact, I am certain that without coming back to my Judaism, I would never get to experience a fully recovery from the abuse. As long as I was pushing away G-d, I could push away the hurt feelings and they remained dormant inside of me, preventing me from having healthy relationships. However, as soon as I invited G-d back into my life and felt the power of his overwhelming love, I was faced with the contrast of my perpetrator who pretended to act in the image of G-d, but was in actuality as far away from G-d as is humanly possible.

Over time, the pain subsided and I was starting to reap the rewards of teshuvah, or returning to who I really was. While my journey will never be complete, today I look forward to the Shabbos songs again and I can feel the joy, innocence and enthusiasm of what it means to live when we are connected to our source. I know that engaging in the rituals is meaningless unless we understand the purpose behind them, which is really a method of connecting to G-d.  His laws represent His love for me and is a guide to help me live in a loving way towards myself and others. The Torah is for my benefit, not for G-d’s. G-d is complete and doesn’t need anything from me, but when I follow the Torah, G-d can express himself through me and I begin to act in the image of G-d (e.g. kind, loving, generous, selfless, joyful, creative, etc…) as if I were divine. I then create a comfortable dwelling place for G-d here on earth. I would not have known any of this without the teachings  of chassidus.

While climbing my mountain, I did try conventional models of healing, (e.g. talk therapy, family of origin work, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, Inner child workshops, self esteem workshops, anger management workshops, a host of medications, past life regression workshops, reconstructionist, reform and conservative temples, church, Buddhist prayer groups, chanting, various 12 step programs, the Law of Attraction, self help books, etc…) which mostly turned out to be band aids as they did not address the G-dly soul, which is the essence of who I really am. ²

Chabad Chassidus – My New Testament

Chabad Chassidus truly is a blueprint for life and all the answers I ever needed can be found there. I learned that my body and animal soul are simply there to give expression to my G-dly soul. As such, it is my responsibility to treat my body with love, respect and care so that it can be a true vessel for the infinite light G-d that radiates through me, whenever I allow it. I try to live a life of complete surrender to G-d today, and “surrender” is a word I never thought possible after what I had been through.  I feel safe in my body and safe in the world as long as I am connected to

G-d, which I learned to do through the teachings of Chassidus.³

Specifically, I learned in Tanya that all of my suffering was an illusion as there is really no such thing as “I.” My G-dly soul cannot be tainted or injured by another person. On the soul level, I am and always was perfectly whole since I am a piece of the divine. Therefore, the real me lacks nothing, is not broken and doesn’t need fixing. My abusers could not touch my essence no matter how much they hurt me. In fact, what I know today is that it is my interpretation of events that happen in my life which causes my suffering rather than the events themselves. I suffered because I thought I was evil, that there was something wrong with me, not because someone touched me inappropriately. That’s not to say my pain didn’t feel real. The pain felt very real as did the tears, panic attacks and nightmares but it was the pain of a little girl who thought she had committed a horrible act by being what she thought was a willing participant. Today I know that I am not my pain and I no longer have to make it my identity. As a child, I truly was a victim but as an adult, I have choices and I no longer see myself as a victim. I am an empowered young woman who has been given a second chance at life and I now create my own destiny.

Fate is what happens to us when we let the circumstances of our life dictate our future. Destiny is what happens when we allow our actions, based on the pure and unadulterated truth of Torah, to dictate our lives. I am not impure because a sick man chose to touch me in ways that clearly violate Torah.  Those were his impure actions, not mine and therefore, I choose not to hold on to the shame any longer, which is the impetus for my having the courage to share my story. Chassidus taught me to tap into the innocence of that little girl, the girl who couldn’t contain her smile when the Rebbe gave her a dollar and she got to witness the radiant light of G-d in his eyes. That Rabbi did not deserve to rob me of that joy. To stay away from my Judaism was to still give him my power and to remain a victim. In fact, what I discovered was that the greatest pain of all was not the abuse I endured, but the consequent disconnection from G-d, the Rebbe, my family and friends, which I sadly believed was the only way I could protect myself. The Torah is so perfect, beautiful and tender and it is separate and distinct from some of the people who purport to follow it. I personally chose to forgive my abuser fully and completely and have come to feel love and compassion for him. He no longer has any power over me and he gave me the gift of a broken heart which led me to the most potent relationship with G-d and with myself than I ever dreamed possible. I needed that darkness so that I could transform it into the light.

As the Alter Rebbe teaches us, Esav’s soul came from a higher level than Yaakov’s soul.⁴ So too, those of us who have experienced deep pain or addictions have the ability to transcend and turn that level 15 pain into a level 15 joy.  I have

also forgiven myself for depriving myself of G-d’s love and guidance as well as my rich heritage of Chassidus for over 2 decades. Today, I know deep in my core that G-d never judged me for straying off the path and was never once angry with me. Instead, He was crying the tears I could not shed for all those years. In fact, it was G-d’s unconditional love for me, which I discovered in Chassidus, that healed my wounds and transformed my pain into joy. That divine love is available for all of us at all times.

If My Chassidus-Infused Sould Could Speak

If my Chassidic soul had words, it would say that you are loved beyond measure, exactly as you are. You are pure, innocent and part of a collective whole so none of us is any more loveable than anyone else. More importantly, your love is not dependent on any externalities but rather you are worthy of love and dignity simply because you are a piece of G-d. You don’t need to go outside yourself for love, safety and belonging because you already are the love that you seek. The answer is never in the fridge, the pantry closet, having the perfect spouse, the new home or the additional income.  All that you truly desire is already who you are.  And it is only out of our illusion of separateness that we allow ourselves to be afraid, to build resentments, to experience jealousy or frustration. Our perceived brokenness is a gift. Just as in homeopathy, it is the poison with which we can use to create the medicine to transcend that brokenness and to reach deeper and greater levels of connection with the divine inside of us.  It’s time to shatter the illusion that we are anything less than beautiful, anything less than whole, anything less than worthy of G-d’s unconditional love. When we say Shema Yisroel, we can tap into feeling our oneness with our Creator on a cellular level and to experience how the light melts away our pain, fear, doubt, insecurities and anger. Sit in silence every day and bask in this light and share this light with all the people in your life that are hurting themselves or hurting you and you will watch them transform before your very eyes without saying a word or trying to control the outcome. That is the power of intention followed by purposeful action, such as prayer.

A Message to All Perpetrators

I feel it is my obligation to do what I can to make sure another child is not violated and so if you have been a perpetrator in the past or have had desires to take advantage of innocent children, I am inviting you to enter the path of healing by not giving into your temptations and instead, getting the help you need to overcome this difficult challenge. You probably have been violated yourself or were severely abused to the point where you are not in touch with your pain and instead are acting it out. The damage caused by sexual abuse is generational and it affects children on the deepest level of their conscience and more importantly, it causes them to cut themselves off from G-d’s love, which is the worst pain in the world. There is no shame in having an unhealthy desire, but you will arouse tremendous guilt in acting on that desire. G-d does not present us with obstacles that we cannot overcome and your ability to transcend is far greater than the average person. There is help out there for you.  Seek and you shall find. G-d is on your side.

Conclusion

Today, I have enough love in my heart for the whole universe because I am filled with the infinite love of the divine. Chassidus also taught me the power of forgiveness, which was necessary in order for me to experience a complete healing. As a result, I have fully forgiven my perpetrators (there were several more as I got older since abused people are much more likely to continue being abused). I focused on the fact that perpetrators too, are part of the divine and are infused with a pure and innocent spark that even their most horrific actions could not taint. In fact, they are merely messengers to create an experience for us to overcome and transcend. If this article can save one child from being abused or save one soul that has already experienced abuse, then my suffering has meaning. As the late Lubavitcher Rebbe said, “for 70-80 yrs, a neshama (soul) wears and tears, just to do a favor for another.” I hope that my soul suffered here on earth so your soul doesn’t have to. Instead, may the consciousness of G-d be ever present in your heart, mind and soul so that you will never have to experience the deep aloneness that was the catalyst for my journey. Remember, you are never alone and you are always loved, deeply and completely just as you are!

Epilogue: 20 Tools for Living a Life of Joy, Peace, Love and Connection

 On a more practical level, just as one cannot build a home without tools, similarly Chassidus teaches us the importance of taking daily action steps to help ourselves overcome our pain, depression, addiction or trauma since all of those things are housed in the animal soul.  Through my study of Chassidus, I was inspired to adopt the following tools or disciplines, which help me to continue growing, to stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy and to be connected to G-d, myself and humanity.

1. Daily Meditation and Deep Diaphragmatic Breathing, specifically, divesting myself of my outward This includes my job, family, hobbies, skillsets, name and even my body and simply focusing on my divine breath with which G-d created me. In this way, I tap into the infinite divine light that is pure love, a love that is not conditioned by how much I weigh, how much money I make, how smart I am, whether people like me or even my past actions.
2. Daily Gratitude I don’t go to bed without writing out everything I’m grateful for that day so that I never take G-d’s gifts for granted and so that I am aware of all the miracles and synchronistic events that are happening daily in my life. Also, if you let go of trying to get more of what you think you need, you create space to allow what you already have to expand. What we appreciate appreciates, so the more we are grateful, the more things G-d gives us to be grateful for.
3. Surrounding myself with positive and inspiring people who live in a state of G-d I have chosen to limit my interactions with negative people. I still love them and send them light and positive healing energy but it doesn’t mean I need to be around them for long periods of time.
4. Eating Whole Foods rather than processed chemicalized Every food contains its unique energetic signature. Eating is connection so when we eat G-d’s food we connect to G-d and when we eat chemicals made in a factory, we are connected to the superficial world we live in. Moreover, what we eat we become, what we think we manifest and what we feel, we create. While we are much more than what we eat, what we eat can enable us to be much more than what we are. I live by this philosophy.
5. Obtaining a mentor (mashpia) or I have a mentor and coach to keep me on the straight and arrow. Despite my intellectual understanding, I have the humility to know that I am a human being with many blind spots. My intelligent animal soul will convince me of anything it wants to and without someone who is living a G-d centered life AND who has gotten to know me well, it would have been impossible for me to stay on my path without the help of another person. Sometimes, it has been a safe haven to share my pain or shine light on my shame and sometimes it’s been a place to get inspired and to be reminded of my power (i.e. G-d’s power).
6. Writing/Evening By putting our thoughts and feelings down on paper we are better able to see situations that would normally baffle us when we simply think or talk about them. Writing is a healthy way to release our feelings and more importantly to see our part in situations. I have written many letters to G-d seeking answers. He ALWAYS responds when I really want to know the truth. I have written letters to all the people that hurt me and shared my pain with them. I never had to give them the letters but the healing came in expressing my emotions in a healthy way. This is the beauty of Chassidus, which allows us to have healthy anger that is not destructive to us or others and diffused easily. I also keep a G-d Box at home in which I give G-d all my perceived problems and fears and I ask him to handle them for me. HE ALWAYS DOES when I ask with sincerity and I have the courage to let go! Finally, I do a daily accounting of where I might have been selfish, dishonest, have acted out or where I let fear or anger dictate my actions. It’s extremely empowering to see how situations in my life don’t just find me, but rather I am a co-creator of everything that transpires in my life and so anything I don’t like, I get to do differently the next day – – the power of choice is amazing!
7. Prayer, especially, praying from the depths of my heart and soul as though G-d is standing right in front of me because indeed, he’s even closer than that — he is an integral part of If I didn’t shed some deep tears, then I didn’t pray hard enough. Often the tears are tears of joy and when they are tears of sadness it is usually the grief of all the years I spent feeling separate from G-d, myself and the Jewish people.
8. Total Surrender to G-d’s What if I had a guarantee that everything I have been worrying about would be worked out in the most perfect way and in the best possible time? And in the future, I would be grateful for the problem and the solution? And what if I knew that all those I love are experiencing exactly what they need to become who they’re meant to be? Then I would be exactly where G-d wanted me to be and I would be free to let go and enjoy my life. That is what happens when I practice surrendering everything to G-d. The result is total peace and serenity and the true feeling of oneness with my creator. When I am afraid it is usually because I think that G-d may not give me what “I” want to acquire, to happen or to not happen. I then remind myself that “I” don’t exist and then I go back to feeling peaceful and grateful.
9. Daily I move my body throughout the day so that my energy is flowing properly and I keep my physical body in tip top shape as it is the temple for my soul.
10. Practicing Mindfulness and not multi-tasking so that I can feel the divine energy through each action and interaction in my In this way, I am responding to life rather than reacting to it. When I am doing too many things at once, there is no room for G-d to assist and nothing I do without G-d is ever fruitful.
11. Repairing the Wreckage of my I have made amends, financial and emotional, for all the hurt I have caused people in my life, i.e. taking full responsibility for my actions, regardless if they were the result of my pain. In this way, I no longer stay a victim. I cannot be at peace as long as someone is hurting as a result of something I have done. I take full responsibility for my life today and know that it is up to me to create the life I want. I am no longer concerned with other people’s transgressions. I am only responsible to keep my side of the street clean.
12. Revisiting My Visiting the places where I was traumatized with my adult self and feeling the pain transform into joy for who I got to become as a result of those experiences. In those places where I acted out addictively, I relived those experiences without a drug and got to take a contrary action as a result. I got to see that I am the conscious creator of my life and my experiences did a complete 180 degrees when my actions changed, even when everyone else was doing the same thing.
13. Rigorous Honesty with myself and others no matter what the consequences are since nothing can hurt me today if I am connected to my When I am dishonest, I cannot be in alignment with G-d.
14. Deep Integrity, e. doing what I say I will do and only saying what I know to be true, rather than what I think others want to hear. Today, I only need to please G- d and He is very easy to please.  He only wants me to be happy, joyous and free.
15. Simplicity – Keeping life simple, especially my food and my environment so that I make room for G-d. When I have clutter, I can’t find G-d (or anything else I need 🙂
16. A Circle of Friends so I can practice giving and receiving love on a daily basis, which I know at my core makes G-d smile!
17. A Commitment to Personal Growth through the constant studying of Chassidus. Life is like a backward There is no such thing as standing still. We are either making a conscious choice to move forward or we are moving backward. While G-d loves us unconditionally just as we are, we are given an opportunity to transcend ourselves and reach a higher vibrational level by growing into the best version of ourselves. Learning Chassidus is one of my  greatest sources of joy.
18. Taking time to be with Nature and connecting with the I also use that time to feel my emotions and simply allow them to pass through me. The joy is just underneath the sadness, which is underneath the fear, which is underneath the anger. Suffering comes from avoiding our emotions. When we have the courage to shed our tears and feel our pain, there is tremendous joy that is waiting to give birth. I know that the feminine side of G-d is caressing me, holding me and crying with me so that I am never alone. When I need a hug or some extra strength, I hug a tree and I feel G-d hugging me back and my oneness with the earth. I also gain tremendous strength from trees, whose roots are so deep, it can weather any storm.
19. Thinking Positively, ALWAYS! Our subconscious beliefs about ourselves and what we deserve become our reality whether we know it or “Tracht Gut Vet Zain Gut” are the famous words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. I live by that motto every day and as a result I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. In the same vein, we get to become the person we want to be as soon as we make the decision to be that person. We don’t need to wait for any event to happen or for permission to become. We can become what it is we want in this very moment and act as if until it has become so ingrained in our being we don’t remember being any other way.
20. Give and You Shall What we give comes back to us — in multiples. We cannot wait for abundance before we learn to give. We must give as though abundance has already come to us. When I feel like I don’t have enough money, I immediately give charity. When those old feelings of not being loveable creep up, I immediately give love to someone who needs it so that I am reminded that I am the love I am seeking.

Footnotes:

1. Specifically, the focus of this essay is based on The Alter Rebbe’s teachings in Tanya which discusses in depth the two soul’s of a Jew, the structure of the different worlds and our purpose here on earth, among other things. See Iggeret Hateshuva, Chapters 1 – 12 which talks about the process of repentance and chapters 26 – 34 which discuss serving G-d with joy and how a broken heart is in actually a whole heart. The Tanya lays out a direct path to teshuva, which is the   fastest and most direct way of healing our past trauma’s.

2. Tanya, Chapter 1 discusses the two souls of a Jew, the G-dly soul and the animal soul.

3. See Epilogue for daily tools derived from the teachings of Chassidus.

4. See Likutei Torah, Parshas Vayishlach where the Alter Rebbe discusses how the soul of Esav was from a much higher realm than Yaakov’s soul. The reason Esav reached such a bottom was because this was his opportunity to climb higher than Yaakov ever could. Unfortunately, he  chose not to overcome his base nature, but like Esav, we all have the ability to turn poison into medicine and transcend the challenges we are faced with. In fact, the problem or suffering is only there so that we can overcome it and evolve to a greater level than would have been possible without our suffering. The power inside us is always greater than the problem in front of us!