Staying In The Moment

MyLife Essay Contest

When I contemplate on the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the painful moments and the joyous ones, I realize that life is a series of contractions. G-d contracted Himself (according to kabbalah, which terms the contraction “tzimtzum”) in order to create the world. The woman’s uterus contracts in order to birth a new life. The redemption too, we are taught, will come in stages similar to the birth pangs of a woman’s contractions. Within us, and all around us, there are those constricted, challenging moments and then the easier, light-filled, happier times. The ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes, cycles of everything we encounter within nature – both inner and outer.

We are constantly birthing new light within us, according to the teachings of Chassidus. Hence, the painful, challenging moments in life that require steadfast commitment to working on ourselves by letting go and not fighting the stressful, often intense triggers that come our way. When we release it and give it over to G-d, when we acknowledge that we’re not in control, help miraculously appears.

Here’s something to illustrate this:

I woke up one morning feeling weak and dehydrated. I didn’t drink enough the previous day, ate salty foods for dinner, nursed my toddler at night and woke up feeling depleted. This began a challenging day for me. From where would I find energy to care for my children, no less myself? I spent a great deal of time in bed, dozing off when I could with my toddler, drinking as often as possible, tending with difficulty to my son’s needs and demands. Finally, I mustered up the strength to face the outside world, although still feeling weak, and went to pick up my other children from school and accomplish some errands.

It was a nice, sunny spring day and because parking can be difficult to find in my Brooklyn neighborhood, I decided to walk with the kids to an appointment a few blocks away. My youngest son was in the stroller and his older sister was on a scooter. My oldest daughter walked along helping me.

Everything was going fine – they behaved beautifully while waiting at our appointment – until the evening began approaching. The two younger ones chased each other with the scooter, knocking into people on the street. A wind began to pick up and I felt myself weakening, still not replenished from earlier. I called my husband, since it was about the time he comes home and luckily, he said he was just back from work and coming to the shopping area I was in because he wanted to get our mezuzahs checked.

I stepped into one last store, a drugstore, for some items – something I almost never do with all my kids. As each one asked for different treats, the aisles began shrinking, my head began spinning and then suddenly my husband was calling me on the phone.

“My boss called,” he said. “I have to suddenly drive to Queens to drop off a computer for work… they need it right now for an inspection.” He was already on his way out.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The walk home from the stores is downhill and I was worried with the scooter. I had too many bags and not enough strength. The kids’ energy level was peaking as mine was dropping. I left the basket with all our choices and exited the store without purchasing anything. I just needed to get home.

My five-year-old daughter on the scooter began having a meltdown outside. Something about her scooter. She was crying on the floor that she hurt her leg. I could see she was alright, but she was not going to cooperate. My son was running ahead with my oldest daughter. The sun was setting and its rays were blinding. I could hardly see them half a block ahead. The stroller was empty so I offered it to my daughter sprawled on the sidewalk.

“No! I want the scooter!” she yelled.

“You can choose the scooter or the stroller, it’s your choice,” I tried to say calmly as people passed by.

I tried picking her up but she slouched back down, crying. I tried calling my husband but he was too far already in the car. I tried calling my brother but he didn’t answer.

Then I tried calling out to G-d. I tried to not resist what was happening. I told myself to stay in the moment. To think that I am safe right now. To ask G-d to help me. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply. When we find our breath, we are connecting to the inner most part of ourselves, to our neshama. I put on a smile, even though it felt forced or fake. When we embrace joy it becomes real.

Suddenly, a Jewish man passed by and asked me if I needed help. I hesitated.

“I have my car right here,” he said, kindly. “Let me drive you home.”

Before I could give it another moment’s thought, he was taking my jogger and fitting it into the back of his SUV. My son was helping buckle himself into the car seat. My older daughter was gathering the scooter. I took my tantruming child and tried getting her into the car. She fought me, kicking her foot near the door to prevent me from closing it. I managed to get her in safely, holding her on my lap. She pushed herself to the floor and began banging into me, trying to bite me.

The man – a stranger, but also an angel – began driving us home. My daughter was making me so angry, but I wouldn’t succumb. I told myself to stay with my G-dly soul. Not to allow the triggers to invite the yetzer hara (animal soul) to react in the usual, predictable manner.

I closed my eyes once more and tried to feel G-d in this challenging moment. It took great self-control to not lose myself in negative emotions. All I wanted was to feel safe with G-d, to be present in His presence. I felt the warmth of the lowering sun on my face. A golden light penetrated my closed eyelids as the driver sped along. I thanked him for his display of ahavat yisroel, love for a fellow Jew. I got through the contraction of this terrible tantrum. “I have kids, I know how it can get,” he explained non-judgmentally.

He took me to the door of my home and emptied the stroller, scooter and bags. He helped my children out of the car.

Once home, my daughter calmed down immediately. I made dinner and thanked G-d for answering my call. For allowing me to enjoy the gift of being with Him in the present. For helping my G-dly soul be victorious in that moment.