Practical Steps for Staying Connected

MyLife Essay Contest

Imagine the following scenario: you wake up to learn that a good Samaritan – a complete stranger –  had performed CPR on you after you had collapsed, giving you life sustaining breaths from their own lungs until you were able to breathe on your own. Without their breaths, you would have died. Similarly, although we don’t think about it, G-d breathed into us, giving us a part of Himself; giving us life, as we learn in Chapter Two of Likkutei Amarim, citing the Zohar. If we internalized this teaching that we have, so to speak, a deep part of G-d within us, we would be more fully alive, shedding insecurity, anxiety, and depression. We would be grateful to G-d for giving us life – real life – and would be indebted for this kindness, doing everything we can to harness our energy to give back. However, instead of being aware of the G-dliness within, most of us go through life defining and limiting ourselves by our mistakes, or by the way in which we think others perceive us or have treated us, causing misery for ourselves and others.

This problem is endemic: you ate one cookie after deciding to go on a diet. You tell yourself you are so weak willed! So gluttonous! You feel terrible, and figure you might as well finish the bag. Or consider the criminal, doing time for his crime: once out, the great danger is that he will re-offend because he hasn’t fundamentally changed; he still sees himself as a criminal, defined by the crime. It is because changing one’s self-view is so difficult that it is said that a completely righteous person cannot stand in the place of a baal teshuva, one who returns to being who they really are: a being imbued with the breath of G-d.

This problem of seeing oneself incorrectly is transmitted to the next generation as well, in the form of transference: maybe your parents weren’t as sensitive and responsive to you as you would have wanted, causing you to feel unworthy of love and respect. You continue believing you are not worthy, perhaps – if you can bring yourself to marry, unlike too many single people today who don’t – marrying someone insensitive to your feelings. Later, you shout at your children when they don’t listen; it is true, after all, you believe: you are not worthy of respect. As a result of your seeing yourself incorrectly, your anger causes your children to become insecure, feeling unworthy of love, growing up to look for love or good feelings about themselves elsewhere.

We endure so much suffering, many for our entire lives, because we haven’t learned that we are not just children of G-d, but that we carry within us a part of the Creator of the Universe; that G-d breathed of His essence into us. We are more than our mistakes, even criminal acts; we are not limited by how others have (mis)treated or labeled us. We don’t have to react when our buttons are pushed; the buttons just disappear. In fact, the Torah gives us examples to learn from.

Consider the response of Yoseph Hatzadik – Joseph, given the famed multicolored coat by his loving father Jacob – to mistreatment by others. He was not only scorned and invalidated by his brothers, the only religious Jews alive at the time, but he was sold into slavery by them! And later, in Egypt, he refuses to succumb to the advances of his master’s wife, and was thrown into prison on false charges. But Joseph doesn’t despair, doesn’t become self-focused, doesn’t lose faith, or give up on G-d. Instead, he notices his fellow inmates, asking them why they are sad. When Pharoah learned he could interpret dreams, Joseph says it is not me (Genesis 41:16). Joseph remains connected to G-d within, realizing he can meet any challenge successfully.

Like Joseph, we find ourselves tossed about during our sojourn on earth. We must remember who we are; that G-d dwells within us. Therefore, we are able to – expected to – accomplish great things. Instead of focusing on what other people are thinking about us, we engage in the task at hand. For example, it is preferable to pray together with others, but a person who is disconnected from the Source, can be distracted: what are people thinking of me? Do I appear pious enough? It would be easier to pray alone without the distraction of people. But we learn that the hidden is to G-d our G-d – we are connected to G-d in our thoughts and prayers, even among people. Self consciousness, insecurity, anxiety, indecision, depression – all vanish. We greet each situation confident in our ability to meet the challenge before us and succeed, not because of greatness of we ourselves, but rather because of our G-dliness, the breath within which G-d breathed into us. As Joseph said, biladay  – it is not me; it is G-d.

Because Joseph was so aware of his G-dliness, he was able to focus on others rather than himself. When we realize how gifted we are, how blessed with a G-dly soul, we are able to give to others, shedding painful self-consciousness and anxiety. Because we have the breath of G-d within, we are messengers, shlichim, of G-d in this world; thus, every challenge can be met with success. If we really understood our connection with G-d, the source of all existence, we would act with passion, courage, conviction. Anxiety, fear, and insecurity would vanish. Instead of being self-conscious, full of ego, thinking “gimme, gimme, gimme; I need, I need, I need,” (Bob Wiley, What About Bob), we are imbued with purpose and the ability to give to others.

Although he was a righteous man in his time, Noach was a tzadik in peltz; a righteous person in a fur coat. Like one who makes himself warm instead of heating a stove to warm everyone, Noach saved only himself and his family, obeying G-d’s every command in building the ark in anticipation of the great flood. However, during the long period of ark-building, Noah did not help save others. That a rainbow is a sign of G-d’s promise to never again destroy the world may hint to us a very important idea.

The rainbow, comprised of the spectrum of different colors, may suggest that every color; like every person, is needed. We cannot leave anyone behind. The rainbow teaches us that we all are important, we all count. Also, the multicolored rainbow, like Joseph’s multicolored coat, reminds us not only to reach out to others, but also to remember who we are, that we are beloved, so that the world will never be destroyed, because if we save one life, it is as if we saved an entire world – even if that life is our own.

The Chassidic teaching that we contain part of G-d can be implemented using similar principles to those of cognitive behavioral psychology, however the one major difference between applying Chassidus and psychology to changing self-view is that Chassidus imbues a person with purpose, because of the connection with G-d. While Victor Frankl discusses how crucial meaning is for survival, psychology doesn’t provide us with this meaning; Chassidus does.

Chassidus introduces us to the concept that we contain part of G-d, and thus have a divinely mandated mission. Our actions in the past are passed, not defining us, regardless of what others may say or do – even regardless of what we ourselves think.

So, how can we apply Chassidus to break free from our untrue limited self-view and really change, really live life to the fullest and achieve our potential?

1. When faced with a challenge, take a deep breath. Yes, as we know from psychology and physiology, this elicits the relaxation response and activates our parasympathetic nervous system, calming us. But applying Chassidus, our breath reminds us: G-d dwells within me; G-d has imbued me with part of Him, and as such, with a mission. I am His child; I am beloved. I can meet this challenge successfully.
2. When speaking with a spouse or child or friend, use a connecting word, which will remind you that you are connected, on the same side; just as you are connected to G-d. For example, by saying my daughter when you need her to listen, helps you feel compassion for your child, really see her in relation to you, rather than just being aware of your own feelings towards her.
3. Talk to G-d in your own How can we presume to do this? We can address the infinite unknowable G-d directly from the place within us that is similarly infinite and hidden, from the G-dliness within us.
4. Remember the rainbow: we are beloved, each one of us, and we are all necessary to form the beautiful spectrum of colors.

By applying Chassidic teaching, we can break free from false self-limiting beliefs to shed negativity and achieve our potential.