Beginning with Ourselves

MyLife Essay Contest 2015

Introduction

Far too often, when we find ourselves in an uncomfortable or upsetting situation, we point fingers at others. In our attempt to understand what went wrong we refuse to take responsibility. Instead, we blame. Through blaming, we place a tremendous strain on our interpersonal relationships. This leads to much of the disunity found within relationships. Chassidus teaches us to begin seeking a solution, not from without, by trying to fix others, but rather from within, by correcting ourselves first.

The Issue

When our spouse locks the keys in the car and needs our help, we get upset. We blame them for disturbing our day. When our child tests our patience by not complying with our wishes, we become frustrated. If only they would listen better, we would be a better parent for them.
To see the problem as being outside us is to lead to blame. Blaming creates distance instead of bringing us closer together. It also becomes a crutch for dealing with many of our issues. If someone else is the problem, that person needs to change. The responsibility is on them and little, if any, on us. The usual result is no change and a greater separation.

Concepts from Chassidus

Chassidus teaches us to look at ourselves first. This is because the problem is not outside us. It comes from within us. The question we must first ask ourselves is:

“Who am I focused on when I get emotional about a situation? Myself or the other person?”

In the Rebbe’s very first book, “Hayom Yom” he explains a Torah verse from the Book of Leviticus. The verse states, “[y]ou shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin on his account.” The verse teaches three lessons:

1. You shall not hate your brother in your heart. This is a prohibition to hate another Jew in your heart.
2. You shall surely rebuke your fellow. This is a commandment to rebuke another Jew when you see them doing something wrong.
3. You shall not bear a sin on his account. This teaches us to refrain from rebuke unless the rebuke meets certain strict criteria, i.e. don’t rebuke them in a manner that is sinful, such as embarrassing them.

The Rebbe delves into the verse by emphasizing the order of the verse’s commandments. The command “You shall surely rebuke” is preceded by the words “You shall not hate your brother,” to teach that not feeling hate is a necessary precondition before rebuke. The Torah continues, “…and you shall not ascribe sin to him.” This teaches a profound lesson which relates to our point. If the rebuke was ineffectual, you are certainly the one responsible, being that your words surely didn’t come from the heart. It is worthwhile to take note of the Rebbe’s wording, בודאי , certainly.

When our words are not listened to by others, it is generally due to the speaker, not the listener. The issue is within me, not with the other person. We might typically say, “Oh, they never listen,” while in actuality, we are failing to deliver the message properly.

What is the issue with the way we are talking? It is from the very last words of the Rebbe’s teaching that we can discern what prevents the other person from listening. “They are not words coming from the heart.” They are not out of complete concern and empathy for the person we are talking to. Our words are tainted by our own agenda or for our own protection. In a subtle way, sometimes so subtly we aren’t aware of it, our agenda is directing what we’re saying. Perhaps we are trying to show that we are better than the other. Perhaps we are making a statement to vent our own frustrations. This will almost always be apparent to the listener and prevent them from receiving our message. They hear criticism and judgment rather than guidance.

Whenever we speak with an agenda, we are no longer transparent. We have not cleared ourselves from the conversation so we may focus entirely on the other’s needs. When we are transparent, we become clear of any self-focus and are only an expression of our heartfelt concern for the other.

There is an indicator we can use to determine whether we’re projecting our own agenda or speaking out of transparent concern. In Likkutei Sichos, the Rebbe explains the quote of the Baal Shem Tov, “[W]hen one sees negativity in another, it is due to the viewer having that very negativity. When we look at others it is as if we are looking at a mirror. When our face is clean, we don’t see any negativity in the reflection.” In other words, we project our own faults on others. When we look at others transparently, without personal agenda, we may well see a fault, but not a faulty person. Transparency leaves no room for comparison or judgment. When we genuinely speak from the heart without comparison or judgment, that person feels our love and acceptance and readily listens. When we have some form of personal agenda, no longer project full acceptance, and fail to speak transparently from our heart, we are no longer concerned about them. We no longer see a fault, we see a faulty person. The listener feels all of that and retracts from our judgment of them.

Are we seeing a fault or a faulty person? When we only see a fault, this is an indication we are speaking with transparency, permitting the listener to absorb the message we are delivering. The moment we see a faulty person, this is an indication we are focused on ourselves, and the message has been poisoned.

When our spouse locks the keys in the car, our being upset or frustrated is due to our personal inconvenience. It has nothing to do with the car keys. Were we to focus on the challenge she is dealing with alone, our relationship would be much healthier. Unfortunately, we often cast judgment on how she got into this situation. This judgment is prompted by our relating to the situation from the vantage point of how this event is affecting me. The same is true when we converse with our children. The more our words are genuinely about them, the more they will listen.

The Methodology

Based on the above teachings, here’s a simple method that can help us in our daily interactions. When an incident takes place:

1. Before you respond to the incident, ask yourself “Who am I concerned about at this moment, myself or the other person?” If you are concerned about yourself, pause and re-energize. When you are ready to be there for the other person take the next step.
2. Use empathy to relate to the other person’s issue and see how you can assist them.
3. Once you speak to them

a. If they’ve listened: Become aware of how this has brought you closer rather than further from them. This will encourage you to continue using this method in the future.
b. If they didn’t listen: Discuss with a friend what you said and seek out their assistance in discovering the hidden agenda in your words.

The Core Message

Whenever we find ourselves blaming another person for a situation there is a very good chance we are being defensive. We are avoiding the personal responsibility of responding to the situation with transparency. This not only perpetuates dishonest response to situations, it also creates greater distance between us and the others.

By learning to pause and remind ourselves to think of the other person rather than of how a situation is affecting me, we open the door to a transparent response. This in turn permits our words to be heard, and thus bring us closer to the other.

We should always begin with making ourselves transparent before blaming others.