Soul-Based Conflict Management

MyLife Essay Contest

Sometimes our feelings can become so overwhelming that we have no space for another person’s reality. How can we have difficult conversations while at the same time promoting the health of our relationships?

Tanya, chapters 18-­25 and 41, lend some wisdom to this issue.

One of the reasons we so often get shaken up by difficult conversations is that our egos are threatened; a confrontation forces us to call our self-­conception into questions.

For example, say your boss asks you to stay late to take care of an important assignment. You cancel dinner with your spouse to finish the work. The next morning your boss finds a small mistake and criticizes you sharply for not giving enough attention to detail. In the end, the deadline you worked so hard to meet gets missed anyway.

Now you feel judged; after all your effort, this is the appreciation you get? You thought you were a dependable worker, but know you can sometimes make human errors despite your best intentions. This gives you a feeling of being defeated. To add to that, now your relationship with your boss has become tense—how can you have a calm, effective conversation to improve the situation?

Two practices from Tanya can assist us because they help reaffirm our greatest potential, empowering us so that even when someone questions our worth, we can still feel confident, relying on inner strength. You may not be perfect in making assignments mistake free, but you are certain of your inner value, therefore you boss’s criticism does not pull the wind out of you.

The first way to improve your ability to navigate conflict is to dedicate yourself to the Divine Creator when you say “Shema Yisroel” and this also applies when saying “Elokai Neshoma” as will be explained soon.

The way to effect the above intent­ that you remain certain of your inner value even when facing challenges is by tapping into your incredible power of self­-sacrifice, but instead of being killed for not bowing to an idol, you can use a thinking strategy and apply it to overcoming life’s challenges.

Tanya explains that overcoming the pain of today’s challenge is easier than giving up your life for refusing to bow down to an idol, if you have the potential to do something so painful, then you surely possess the inner resolve/power to behave honorably in the face of the challenges of modern times.

Another example of mentally connecting to your pristine self, appears in the form of a special prayer of gratitude for life called “Elokai Neshoma,” recited at the beginning of the morning prayers.

Tanya explains that the reason why this prayer of gratitude for life was instituted is to align our intentions and actions with the most valuable aspects of life before each day begins.

Tanya explains that human life is limited, and in the end the only valuables that we take with us upon leaving this world are the letters of Torah and prayer which are the words and thoughts of G-­d. At that time these letters actually become one with your soul.

That’s why at the very beginning of each day we move our inner conscious state to focus on our Divine Creator. How? Through uniting our thoughts and words with the thoughts and words of G­-d when we study Torah and speak directly to Him.

This morning preparation as stated above is not centered on our own ultimate future, because that would mean we are merely self indulgent. Our true intention is to cause G-­d tremendous pleasure. To Him this preparation to prayer and Torah study can be described as a child returning to his parent after being freed from captivity.

The second practice explained in Tanya is done almost simultaneously with the first. During the end of the first line of “Shema” when saying “Hashem Elokeinu Hashem…” most specifically during the last word “Echad”. We however see the dynamic is reversed. Instead of becoming removed by the inspiration achieved through the meditation on the ethereal infinity, we willingly accept the downflow of Divine energy into the details of our daily life. We recognize that we may not naturally have all the abilities necessary to accomplish our calling and that G­-d will now empower us with the energy we need.

Another challenge of a difficult interaction is becoming anxious. To alleviate anxiety, the following counterintuitive technique may help. Consciously allow yourself to feel the negative feeling in your heart without expanding the feeling by talking about it. Feelings generally don’t go away by themselves when you push them aside. Sometimes it helps to mentally label the feeling on the spot. Realize that negative feelings such as fear are here to protect you and this specific emotion you are now feeling may only partially apply in this specific situation. Soon after you allow yourself to feel the anxiety make space in your heart to feel more positive feelings as well. How to do the above requires some explanation.

Remember your potential for self sacrifice and you have the power to act and speak in an honorable way. In order to choose the best way to act, it’s important for you to find out more about the reality of the situation.

Start by questioning your own understanding of the situation, are you making and “thinking errors”? Thinking errors often happen when our emotions get involved with our thinking, an example of a thinking error is blame, “You always…” “You never…” they are generalizations and most probably not true, that is why one of the ways of challenging your own thinking errors is by asking yourself, how specifically do I know that something is true? Remember that realistically Hashem did not give you the ability to know other peoples thoughts or intentions and perhaps what you are thinking is not the true reality.

Then find out what the other person is thinking through directed questions. Find out enough information until their way of thinking makes sense to you and realize that probably with the information they have they are probably doing the best they can.

Make space for the other person’s feelings and name the feelings they are feeling and let them know what you think they are. Then, proceed to explain your side of the story.

If you are sensitive to it, you may well notice the emotional energy in the interaction, if the air is negative it may help to remove as much emotion from your voice as possible. When the person is refraining from using negative emotional energy or refraining from breaking rules of human decency like not name calling, tell them that you notice it and appreciate it .

When you are thinking clearly and making space for all of your own and the other person’s feelings you will probably handle the situation better. Our strong emotions cloud our clear thinking and the three above practices help you maintain a clearer heart and mind.

Finally to help you implement the above, roleplay the situation with a Mashpia/Mentor/Coach. Practicing the new behaviors guided by the right mentor can help you implement and master these skills.

Summary

In preparation:

• Dedicate yourself to the Divine Creator when you say “Shema Yishroel”
• Willingly accept the downflow of Divine energy when you say “Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad”
• Role play the difficult conversation with a Mashpia/Mentor

In the middle of a difficult conversation:

1. Deal with your heart first, clear out negative emotions by naming them and mentally intending to feel them and they will weaken by themselves.
2. Deal with your mind, uncover thinking errors, ask yourself how do you know your thinking is true? maybe its not the complete reality.
3. Find out a lot about what the other person is thinking, the goal is to become cognizant of the mental state of each other.
4. Make space for the other person’s feelings, name them and let the other person know what you understand they are, then proceed to explain your understanding of the situation.

Simple Steps

• Think and Feel
• Find out
• Make space
• Explain