Beyond Empathy

MyLife Essay Contest

Life is full of relationships with other people, from close family and friends to coworkers and acquaintances. Although every relationship is unique, all relationships share common characteristics. The fundamental and defining characteristic of all relationships is human connection. The deeper the connection the better the relationship. The depth of connection depends on mutual validation. A person feels validated when he feels his core self is fully accepted by another.  As each person’s core self is theirs alone – incommunicable to others and often incomprehensible even to themselves – it seems almost paradoxical for anyone to engage with someone-else’s core self. As a result, validation is often substituted with acquiescence or passive tolerance. Without validation, relationships either stagnate or are marred by conflict.

This essay will outline a practical method for validation consisting of three sequential steps: respect, empathy and acceptance. The essay will be divided into two parts. Part one overviews the theoretical basis of the method. This theory is based on the Rebbe’s analysis of G-d’s motivation for creation, found in Likkutei Sichos Vol 6 p. 13-25. Part two of the essay outlines the cognitive and behavioral application of the method.

Part I:  The Theory

Chassidus teaches that connection to G-d parallels relationships with people. By understanding the role validation plays in connection to G-d, we gain a clearer picture of how to validate people. Just as with people, connecting to G-d depends on validating G-d. But how do we validate Him?

First, let us go back to the classic question of what motivates G-d to create us. Chassidus provides several answers: He wishes to actualize Himself; He desires for us to know His truth, He yearns for us to accept Him into our lives. These reasons aren’t contradictory; rather each one provides the framework for appreciating the next. By analyzing the different ways we relate to each of these motivations we come to understand how together they allow us to validate G-d.

The First Motivation – Self Actualization

G-d’s wish for self actualization causes tension on our part. Although we appreciate the value of self actualization, we have a hard time seeing ourselves as merely the means by which anyone, even G-d, actualizes themselves. This tension is resolved by recognizing that G-d, by virtue of being someone else, is entitled to His own perspective. We must respect, rather than agree with, His view.

The Second Motivation – Truth

To know G-d’s truth is both empowering and demanding. His desire for us to know Him illustrates that our mindset is important to Him. Moreover, it means that we are capable of meeting G-d as equals, at least in the areas of knowledge and truth. Empowerment demands action.  His truth can be known only through invested effort and a willingness to change. Energy must be focused on finding the kernel of G-d’s truth imbedded in each of our realities.  Then, we must deepen our sensitivity to that truth until it defines our own perspective. In simple words: we must find our common ground with G-d – we must empathize with Him.

The Ultimate Motivation – Acceptance

G-d’s yearning for us to accept Him into our lives boggles the mind. There is no way to rationalize G-d’s need to be present in our mortal lives and mundane existence. As such, the rational mind does not help us accept G-d. We end up suppressing our reservations about Him and calling that acceptance but in reality suppression causes indifference which drives us apart. Thus rejecting or suppressing the rational mind is not a solution. There is a different approach that is not based on the rational mind and is proactive: to transcend the false assumption that there needs to be a justification for accepting others – that all acceptance is conditional. The appropriate response to   G-d’s yearning is an unconditional acceptance of Him which stems from a deeply passionate and instinctive part of ourselves. When we access and allow ourselves to be motivated by our own inexplicable yearning for Him we have accepted Him into our lives.

Validation – The Order of the Steps

How do we validate G-d? How do we fully accept G-d’s core self? G-d’s core self is His yearning for our acceptance. Yet, when G-d is a stranger we are resistant to our own inexplicable yearning for Him. It follows that before we can accept G-d, we need to be intimately familiar with Him. This necessary closeness is created by empathizing, or experiencing our common truth. Empathy, however, despite its virtues, is restrictive because it is rooted in commonality. It doesn’t allow us to validate someone who is coming from a fundamentally different place. Although empathy can move us past selfishness, it cannot take us out of ourselves.  The recognition that we are not the center of reality is the process of respect. Thus by first respecting G-d we set the groundwork for eventually moving beyond the limitations of empathy. Furthermore, our rational mind understands that there is a moral imperative for respect and therefore basic decency motivates us to respect G-d. By first respecting G-d we can then empathize with Him without becoming trapped in ourselves. When we feel close to G-d and yet we have a sense that we don’t own G-d, we are capable of accepting his yearning for us with our yearning for Him. We validate G-d by first respecting Him, then empathizing with Him, and finally by accepting Him.

Now that we have a sense of validation in the context of connection to G-d, we can apply this model in interactions with people. Validating people follows the same three-step process of respect, empathy, and acceptance, in this order.

Part II:  The Application

Authentic validation uses a combined cognitive and behavioral approach. Cognitive refers to self-talk and behavioral includes both actions and patterns of speech. This combined approach alters our subjective experiences of other people and conveys that altered experience to them. Initially, the use of these approaches feels artificial. However, when incorporated gradually and used consistently, they become integrated into the natural ebb and flow of life.

Step 1: Respect – The Cognitive Approach: Topics for an Internal Dialogue

1. Everybody is different. Why would I expect others to have the same views as myself?
2. This other person has their own unique set of experiences. Aren’t they entitled to have their own perspective?
3. Am I really so arrogant as to think that only my opinions are valid?
4. I need respect. Is this person any different?
5. Do I honestly believe that everything revolves around me?
6. This is someone else. I don’t have an obligation to agree with them.

Step 1: Respect – The Behavioral Approach: Choosing Appropriate Conduct 

1. Ask before making decisions that involve others.
2. Be direct with others.
3. Be honest with others.
4. Be on time.
5. Do not attempt to coerce compliance.
6. Do not interrupt.
7. Do not multi-task when talking to others.
8. Give others space.
9. Greet others.
10. Keep commitments.
11. Make eye contact.
12. Make time to be available.
13. Respond seriously to questions.
14. Say thank you.
15. Wait until calm before speaking.

Step 2: Empathy – The Cognitive Approach: Topics for an Internal Dialogue

1. What is motivating this other person? When have I been similarly motivated?
2. What emotions is this other person feeling? When have I felt similar emotions?
3. What type of self-talk is this other person engaging in? When have I talked to myself this way?
4. What is this other person trying to accomplish or avoid? When have I tried to accomplish or avoid similar things?
5. What challenges does this other person feel like they are facing? When have I faced similar challenges?
6. What does this other person want or need right now? When have I wanted or needed similar things?
7. What is important to this other person? When have I found similar things important?
8. We really are not that different. Although the details and circumstances may vary, our underlying experiences are very much the same.

Step 2: Empathy – The Behavioral Approach: Choosing Appropriate Conduct

1. Allow the other person to have a problem, don’t rush to solve it or explain it away.
2. Ask questions that encourage the other person to continue speaking.
3. Be silent and attentive; give the other person time to express themselves.
4. Don’t criticize.
5. Express agreement verbally.
6. Find the right tone of voice.
7. Nod.
8. Repeat what the other person said in different words.
9. Share similar experiences but don’t become the topic of the discussion.
10. Sigh.
11. Stop and listen.
12. Use emotionally rich language.
13. Use physical contact when appropriate, such as an arm around the shoulder.

Step 3: Acceptance – The Cognitive Approach: Topics for an Internal Dialogue

1. I care about this person. I don’t need to justify it.
2. This person is a person, they can’t be cut into parts. I care about the whole person.
3. I don’t need to know why this thing matters to this person – it does. And if it matters to them then it matters to me.
4. I actually want this person to be happy.
5. We are connected at our core.

Step 3: Acceptance – The Behavioral Approach: Choosing Appropriate Conduct

1. Don’t wait to be asked, do something that matters to this person.