Recognizing the Plan

MyLife Essay Contest 2015

I awoke early to catch the 7:00 AM bus to the embassy, a 7 hour journey from home.  I had a 3:30 PM appointment to submit some important paperwork. I took my baby with me as she was too young to remain at home for an entire day without her mother.

Much to my dismay, the bus took the back road route via the small villages that dot the countryside on the way to capital.  The roads were cracked and uneven, seemingly last paved when the villages were first founded. Later I described to my sister the seven hour bumpy journey as “a ride in the blender”. I sat the entire time with my baby tied to me in her carrier, afraid I would drop her if I were to hold her only by hand.

As we reached the capital, the lurching finally stopped.  Well, actually, the entire bus stopped. We sat for two hours, stuck in traffic. As the clock steadily ticked onward, I paced up and down the aisle, my mind churning furiously with plans and calculations how to possibly still catch my appointment. My heart pounded in my chest with stress and dread, fearful of the outcome of the delay in my trip.

When the bus finally pulled into the station, I rushed to the subway and then walked the few blocks from the stop to the embassy.  The streets in the area were confusing- they all had the same name but one was called Street, the next one was Avenue, the next Boulevard.  I had never been in the region before and by the time I located the embassy, it was 5 pm. The security guard informed me that the office had already closed for the day and, being that a legal holiday began the next day, I would I have to return in a week and a half to do my paperwork. I returned to the bus station and caught the next bus home. I traveled for a total of 18 hours, with absolutely nothing to show for it, only to return two weeks later.

During the trip home, I raged to my husband.  Why did the bus have to get stuck in traffic?  Why did the embassy have to be located in such a confusing area?  Why was the embassy closed the next day, so I couldn’t just remain in the city overnight and return in the morning? Why did the bus ride have to be so uncomfortable? Why couldn’t things just work out? Why would I have to repeat the journey? It just wasn’t fair!

I had plenty of time during my trip home and the return trip two weeks later, to philosophize. With the help of my husband, I came to appreciate what it says in Tanya, Igeres Hakodesh Chapter 25. The Tanya quotes a statement from the Talmud that one who becomes angry, it is as if he served idolatry. Serving idols means acknowledging a power or existence separate from God. Although we typically imagine idol worshippers as ancient superstitious people, bowing or praying to a statue or figure, chassidus highlights subtle forms of idol worship that continues to exist in modern culture. That would be any belief that “it should’ve been different”, denying God’s hand in it all.

As much as I try to plan, arrange, organize, and coordinate, there are forces outside of my control.  Like traffic jams, for example. And potholes. My job is to put the pieces in place for a successful attempt at wherever I am trying to achieve. So I wake up as early as possible, I take my documents with me, pack some food and go.  Note to self: Add “check out map in advance” and “wake up even earlier” to the list next time. The rest is out of my control.

When my plans mess up, whether it’s the 7 hour ride that turns into 9 hours, the food that burned because the baby fell, the sleep disturbed by child with nightmares, the clothing purposely ruined by a malicious classmate,  the medical emergency that arises just as Shabbat is beginning – I must acknowledge the touch of God in my life. I don’t want it to be this way and I don’t understand why it must be this way. Instead of agonizing about who is to blame, and why I hadn’t done things differently,  and why life had to turn out like this,  I am learning to stop and acknowledge – I am not the producer of the play of my life. At most, I am the main actor.  I have to do everything and sometimes I can even make suggestions – aka prayer, but that is about it.  And so, if I feel a scene has flopped, I ask myself: have I done all I could to prevent this unfortunate circumstance? Have I performed to the best of my ability? If the answer is “not really”, then what specific preventative measures can I take in the future?

If the answer is yes, I have given it my best, that is when I acknowledge God’s omnipotence as the master orchestrator of my life and of every scene in the grand play that is this world.
The Previous Rebbe, in a discourse found in Sefer Hamaamorim 5704 page 150, quotes a verse from the Torah. The verse states “You shall build a temple and I will dwell in them“. The Previous Rebbe explains that the primary wish of God is that each person should be like a temple for Him. In fact, when awareness of God permeates a person, God’s presence can be found there in an even greater fashion than was found in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem.

I am still grappling with the exact meaning of these words. I have taken it to mean that my heart should acknowledge and accept the situations He had placed me in. When I recognize His hand in my life, I release the panic and anxiety in my heart. In its place, there is acceptance of His plan, of His existence, and of His involvement in the minutiae of my life. He is not just in my mind where I theoretically acknowledge the existence of a power greater than myself. He is found in my heart, where I could fret and worry and blame, where I may curse fate and obsess over what could’ve and should’ve been. Instead, I relax. I try to accept, and if I’m lucky, maybe even enjoy, the experience that I would have never handpicked.

In chassidus, this acceptance is referred to as bitul. Bitul, translated as “nullification” has various manifestations. In this case, it means letting go, admitting there is a Force greater than myself that allowed – indeed caused – the situation to occur.  Instead of simply dropping the issue because nothing can be done, it means recognizing that this is good. It was meant to be that way and had to be that way. This re-frames the everyday annoyances, mishaps, and disappointment that we so often encounter.

I can’t say that I’ve seen obvious positive outcomes from every frustrating circumstance that I have encountered since that bus ride to the embassy. What I have experienced, however, is a new perspective, a calmer outlook when faced with tough choices. Can I do anything to change the situation?  Whatever details I can take care of, I do. If, as of now, the power is not in my hands to affect change, I try to find the space in my heart to recognize that Someone else is running that show, so I may as well enjoy the spectacle. Who knows? Perhaps I will be lucky enough to find out what the superfluous bus ride itself accomplished.