Am I Being Genuine Or Hypocritical?

MyLife Essay Contest

Every single person can think of an area in which they need to either improve or completely readjust their perspective or behavior. Interpersonal relationships, health and wellbeing and family life are just a few of the many areas in which assessment, investment and improvement will undoubtedly lead us to be happier and live a more satisfying life.

What is it then that is stronger than this realization that prevents us from making these changes? Change is daunting. Different personalities find themselves confronted with respective obstacles while attempting to improve. For the past dwellers among us, with each decision we make in the proper direction we think, “whom am I fooling? I know who I really am and making this choice is hypocritical to my lifestyle and every other decision I make. What’s the point?” For the future dwellers among us it sounds something like, “I can’t commit to this, and very soon I will inevitably make the wrong choices. This will never last, so what’s the point?”

How then, can we bring about lasting change?

There have been many answers suggested and much research provided regarding the most effective way to change. In many places throughout his legendary book, the Tanya, the Alter Rebbe outlines a revolutionary method of understanding the values and limitations of change and applying these theoretical concepts to influence our actual behavior.

Our power to change lies in our power to make the right decisions. In order to ensure that we make the right decisions we need to let go of our perceptions of our past selves and our expectations for our future selves and live in the moment[1]. It is through viewing each decision as an isolated entity that we can really live through our choices[2] resulting in a stress free yet accountability filled life.

Taking the poor decisions of our past into account when making a choice can be an incredible stumbling block to change. Many times we feel that we have established ourselves as a certain type of person and choosing to act differently is inconsistent at best and hypocritical at worst. We tend to create a profile of ourselves. This profile includes all of our perceptions of ourselves. Our perceptions are based on the life we have lived up until this point. The topics in which we have taken interest, the things we’ve done and the choices we’ve made. We identify very strongly with this profile and at times begin to feel that our past experiences define us, and that they have shaped who we are and who we always will be. If a person has lied so many times, they are a liar. If a person has cheated so many times, they are a cheater. This is both their title and their destiny, there is no going back.

This, however, could be no further from the truth. At any given opportunity, regardless of our past choices, we are given the chance to begin again: to become a new person, to make a choice that is different and lies outside the box in which we have enclosed ourselves. You have lied an immeasurable amount of times? You just lied a minute ago? Earlier on in the conversation? Ok, that was a wrong choice but that’s no excuse and no reason why you have to lie again, in this situation. You can choose to change the tide, to switch your behavior, to become a straight and narrow individual. It all begins with one choice, and each decision provides an option to begin again and start a fresh behavior pattern; to create a brand new destiny.

Adopting this perspective does seem to trivialize mistakes and poor decisions. Isn’t it important to take responsibility for my previous actions? How can I simply move on after having made such a terrible decision that may have negatively affected myself, someone, or something else? Accountability is crucial and necessary. However, there is a time and place for everything. Such thoughts that occur when you are leaning towards a positive choice are the work of forces of negativity who are employing clever tactics to persuade you to fall to temptation and make the wrong choice. Their goal is to convince you that it is illogical and inconsistent to deviate from your current path. These thoughts must be ignored completely, designated as unimportant and seen for what they truly are, a complete distraction[3].

Where then does accountability fit in?

It is advised to take some time each night to review our day. During this time it is appropriate to assess our actions and see how we can learn from our mistakes. Taking this opportunity to beat yourself up and to judge yourself for making the wrong decisions turns this practice into an exercise in futility. Nothing aside from demoralization has occurred, and by ‘realizing’ and ‘coming to terms with’ how terrible of a person you are, you will undoubtedly make additional poor decisions in the future, you seem to be inclined.

If, however, we realize that it is our nature to be challenged with all sorts of temptations, in fact it is these very temptations that prove our humanity, the fact that we are challenged shows nothing. The fact that we sometimes fall demonstrates that we are merely human, we are inclined. The fact that we can overcome that challenge shows our tremendous, superhuman strength and ability to prevail over our natural tendencies[4]. Sometimes we win sometimes we lose, that’s just how it goes.

The point of this assessment is to recognize and highlight my positive choices and to attempt to seek strategies as to how to set myself up to make wiser decisions in the future.

Living in the future can be equally as incompatible to change as living in the past. Often times when we make a resolution there is a nagging thought in the back of our heads. It says “Do you really think you can keep to that?” The Health and Fitness industry reaps the benefits of this weakness of ours and sales increase dramatically during the New Year’s ‘good resolution’ rush; dropping at a drastic rate very soon after. The one who considers himself pragmatic steers clear of these resolutions that seem doomed to fail.

In truth, these nagging thoughts are just another tactic of the negative forces using the exact words that they know you need to hear in order to prevent you from making the proper choice. We all hear the wonderful advice on parenting: don’t raise your voice, have patience, give them the time and attention that they need, etc. They are all wonderful in theory, difficult to practice and impossible to commit to. Isn’t it more valuable to be consistent? Might our children come to think that they have insane, unpredictable parents from whom they never know what to expect? There is no way that this will become my normal method of reacting, it just won’t happen. See how clever these forces are? They’ve successfully convinced you not to take a step in the right direction. The looming words commitment and forever can cause us to freeze in our places, and not accomplish all that we are capable of.

In truth, every positive decision we make, turns our future goal into something more attainable[5]. With every right decision we make we slowly become more similar to the type of person who does live their life as such. Change is, if anything, a process. Step by step, situation by situation, moment by moment, choice by choice. Living in the present gives us free choice. Our choice is free from the influence of meddling factors such as our recent behaviors or fears of commitment. Our choice is just that, a choice. A commitment to do it once. As we know with any behavior, bad or good, each time that we do it the action becomes easier and more natural for us to do it again. Every moment that we postpone a negative behavior, even if we ultimately end up doing it, we are weakening the power of negativity over us. We are regaining control of our lives through taking command of our choices, as opposed to allowing them to have command over us. We are making the shift from being a bystander to an authoritative figure in our lives.

So we will be able to reach our future goals. But the goals are not the point, they are the byproduct of our choices. And we will hold ourselves accountable for our actions. But we won’t become stuck in the past as each choice is an opportunity to start fresh. Rather, we will harness the power and motivation of our past successes. We will be encouraged by the positive choices we’ve made no matter how big or small. We will use this force to empower us to make another good choice, and another, and another. Through living in the present and through our choices, we can become who we need to become in a peaceful way, not fighting with ourselves or pushing ourselves into a mold of any kind. We slowly actualize the power within us to override our natural tendencies and live a purposeful, driven and meaningful life.

Footnotes and Sources:

1. Tanya Perek 26,27

2. Tanya Perek 14

3. Tanya Perek 26

4. Tanya Perek 27

5. Tanya Perek 14