Making The Most Of Our Differences

MyLife Essay Contest

Conflict comes in many shapes and forms. Every time that you have two or more people working together there is the possibility of conflict. It could be between coworkers; parents and children; teachers and students; and even between spouses. Conflict comes from a differing of opinion or perspective as to how to go about something or what to do.

Two partners are about to set up a business, and there is a conflict between them. One says we should do it this way and the other wants to do it a different way. What are they to do?

A man and woman date and discover so much commonality with the each other that they decide to marry. Then after the wedding, areas of conflict arise. He wants to do it this way and she wants to do it that way.

How can these people get along? Are they doomed to a life of endless conflict and competition with each other?

We will explore a solution based on Chabad Chasidic insight into psychology (and in Judaism) which will give insight and guidance in how to minimize conflict and how people can cooperate with each other with respect and even love.

Key Concepts

1. Ein loch adam she’ein lo sha’ah – There is no person that does not have his time.¹ Each person has unique qualities to bring the table.
2. There are genuine differences in people based on the source of their souls.²
3. Respecting and appreciating other people, especially for the talents that they have that you don’t have, is the key to harmony and brotherly love.³
4. Bitul – in the sense of knowing one’s own limitations and deficiencies is an important virtue.⁴

People are Different

There is an observation made in Chassidism that people are different. Some people are more intellectual, while others are more emotional. Some people are more generous and others are stingy and strict. This affects us, much more than we realize.⁵

The first step to conflict resolution is awareness of this phenomenon. So many conflicts arise because a person is under the mistaken notion that there is only one correct way to do things. My way.

So just being aware that he/she is only seeing the situation from one perspective and that there is another legitimate perspective is a great first step.

Second step is realizing that your perspective is inadequate in many areas. Learning to appreciate this takes an element of bitul, humility. There will be times when your perspective or opinion is actually the wrong one for this specific situation. Being humble allows you to realize that another person may be better suited for this aspect of what you are trying to achieve.

Third step is collaboration. Based on the awareness of these two above elements we can plan to collaborate with other people on our team so that we each focus on our strengths and defer to the other team member when it is an area that they are better at. A healthy partnership is when each party respects and even admires the other members for the unique talents and perspectives that they bring to the table. And they work together accordingly.

In a business partnership, for example one partner may be bold and aggressive and very good at charging ahead full speed to get the business off the ground. But not necessarily is he good with numbers and accounting. The other partner is good with the numbers but he is quite timid. (Additionally, the partner’s timid and cautious nature can help ensure that the gung ho partner doesn’t get them all into a ditch that they can’t dig out of). It is only by valuing each other’s unique talents and contributions, that they will have a fruitful partnership and succeed. But this takes humility and personal growth.

There are many areas in life for which this approach is most helpful. As an example, below is a case study of how I used this approach to help someone in their marriage.

Case Study

⁶

A lady in my community (we will call her Sarah) came to see me about a problem in her family. Her teenage son (we will call him Yitschak) was struggling in school and needed care and direction from them – the parents. She was giving him what she could, but her husband (we will call him Avraham) was not giving their son enough attention. And being a boy, she felt that it was very important for the husband to be there for him, as he could relate better as a male.

She claimed that Avraham was emotionally not present for their son Yitschak.

It was clear to me that the problem with the son was a symptom of a bigger issue here. She was in a major conflict with her husband. She didn’t respect him for who he is, basically claiming that he was inadequate etc.

The issue was (I assessed this based on having seen them at our events a few times) her husband was very private, quiet and timid. He therefore found it hard to find the words of how to speak and connect to his children. That was indeed a challenge that would have to be dealt with. But it was confounded by the wife projecting her personality onto him. She was a very outgoing and extroverted type of personality. So for her to have open talks with her kids was no big deal. She expected him to speak to their children with the same ease! (Interestingly, this is a common difference in personality types.⁷ Often this is reflected in a marriage, where one spouse [either the man or the woman] is more outgoing and the other is quieter and low key).

Based on the above approach I helped the lady learn to appreciate her husband for who he is and the qualities that he brings to the marriage, even if he doesn’t do everything right and even if his talents are different than hers. (Being that the husband wasn’t present, I didn’t focus on the husbands responsibilities, but rather hers).

I asked her to think of the most difficult thing for her to do, something that she hates doing. I asked her to vividly imagine the anxiety that she would experience if she had to do this certain thing. She did. Then I said to her, your husband, when he has to interact with his kids feels that level of anxiety. She was shocked! She had never thought of it that way. That her husband was so different to her, that something that to her came with ease, would be so traumatic to her husband.

All of a sudden the indictments and accusations that she had of her husband fell away, as she realized that he wasn’t being malicious, but was very challenged in that area.

Of course the problem hadn’t yet been resolved, but the venom that she felt to her husband was gone! She realized that at this stage, the best thing would be to find a teacher or another adult to be an informal mentor to their son.

She left the meeting and said: I got more out of this meeting than six months of marriage counseling!

Practical Applications

1. When working with others, it’s good to notice the things that you do better than them; but you should also take notice of the things that the other person does better than you.
2. Every human being has value. There is something that they bring to the table that no one else can. That value should be honored, not ignored.
3. When facing opposition to your ideas or approach, ask yourself, am I the only one who has a right to an opinion? Is it possible that the other person’s opinion has value too?
4. If you get into an argument with your spouse, remember that the difference of opinion is a big blessing. The perspective that your spouse is bringing to the table is completing you in the areas of your personality that you are deficient. By listening to the others viewpoint you can make a much better team!

Conclusion

We have demonstrated that the healthy approach to teamwork, especially between spouses is one of respecting the differences.

Not only should differences not be a source of strife, if anything they should be an opportunity for growth.

It is precisely through hearing an opposite approach, that we can complement the elements of our perspective that need tweaking. After all no one gets it right all the time.

Based on Likutei Torah, parshas nitzavim, page 44a and the other sources in the footnotes.

Footnotes and Sources