Eliminating Dissonance For A Happier Self

MyLife Essay Contest

In this essay, I address a Chassidic approach to overcoming depression, one which I have found effective in struggling with my own feelings of disappointment and inadequacy. Though depression can stem from a wide variety of causes and manifests itself differently according to the person affected, the internal process I will describe is one which I imagine is common to many people, including people who would not think of themselves as suffering from depression. The commonality of this problem, according to my understanding of Chassidus, is rooted in the struggle between our divine and animal souls, which produces in us conflicting sets of material and spiritual desires. Pulled in two directions at once, we are prone to suffer the extremes of paralysis and whiplash. As in my experience, however, Chassidus can inspire us not to give in to our evil inclinations: first, because the outcome of our struggle matters tremendously- not only to us as individuals but to the entire universe- and second, because it is possible for us to prevail, with great effort. Although there are many Chassidic ideas related to this approach, those continue to help me most in my struggle are the intermediate person (beinoni), a dwelling place in the lowest of worlds (dirah b’tachtonim), subjugation (is’kafia) and transformation (is’hapcha), and it is these which I will focus on here.

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For the vast majority of us, who struggle to do away entirely with either our evil inclination or the pangs of our conscience, life creates profound dissonance between who we really are in our actions and relations and who we think we ought to be. As conscientious individuals, we feel regret for our wrongdoings, and resolve to be better; we take steps toward avoiding pitfalls and even feel a sense of accomplishment over our improvements. Yet eventually, we do the same thing again, or something else just as bad! These repeated collisions between our high hopes and the fickle fallibility of our nature make us painfully aware of the dissonance between our vision and reality, who-we-want-to-be and who-we-are. The realization that we are not who-we-want-to-be diminishes our sense of self-worth, and in this vulnerable state, we may adopt even more destructive habits to escape our struggle. With no one else to blame, we finally turn inward to resolve the issue, therein discovering once again a vision of our truer selves. Full of remorse, we resolve to do better, and thus begin the cycle anew. This pattern of transgression, repentance, resolve, and renewed transgression ultimately wears down the spirit, replaces high expectation with jaded cynicism, and conflates virtue with naiveté, piety with delusion, leaving us in deep spiritual depression.

From a clinical perspective, depression requires specialized treatment, and those suffering from melancholy, addictive coping mechanisms, or hopelessness should consider seeking skilled professional help. Yet if my spiritual self-diagnosis is correct, treating one or even all three of these independently would do little to help the root cause of my discontent, for that cause stems from my continuing dissatisfaction with myself as someone less than I think I should be. Treatment might help me deal with the emotional toll of that dissatisfaction, or it might allow me to negotiate lower standards for myself, but neither approach gets at the heart of my difficulty. For a holistic and transformative approach to this lifelong struggle, I look to Chassidus.

In approaching the problems caused by spiritual turmoil, Chassidus first addresses our attitude toward ourselves as containers for conflicting desires. As the Alter Rebbe explains in the Sefer Shel Beinonim, the purpose of the world’s creation is to make a dirah b’tachtonim, a dwelling place for Gd in the lowest of worlds.¹ This mission necessitates the spiritual angst of a conflicted person (beinoni), for the struggle to prevail over one’s evil inclination is precisely the work most essential to making the material world a receptacle for spirituality, and therefore a home for Gd.² As we read this week in parashas Terumah, the instruction Gd imparts to Moses concerning the building of the Tabernacle (the physical embodiment of Gd’s dwelling place on Earth) concludes with the cryptic phrase “v’shachanti b’socham” — and I shall dwell among them.³ Our Sages explain this apparent grammatical inconsistency as an esoteric reference to Gd’s dwelling place within each and every Jew, who serves as a tabernacle for his or her Creator.⁴ Thus, even in exile, deprived of the Holy Temple, a person must feel that his divine service, effected through prevailing over his evil inclination, is not merely analogous but in fact tantamount to the construction of Gd’s dwelling place on Earth. In its initial stage, therefore, the cosmic implication Chassidus identifies within a struggling person’s efforts combats his normal psychological response of fatigue, disillusion and despair with a sense of significance and a corresponding burst of inspiration.

Even powerful inspiration, however, cannot always capture our deficient attentions or outlast our stubborn addictions. Chassidus recognizes that the beinoni must capitalize on short-lived inspiration and shore up against slippage between one epiphany and the next. The two primary vehicles for accomplishing these aims are is’kafia, subjugation, and is’hapcha, transformation.⁵ In different ways, each form of service reconciles the relation between the divine and animal souls, reducing the individual’s proclivity to sin and reducing the psychological burden of his past wrongdoings.

Inspired by the pivotal role Chassidus assigns to our seemingly banal exertions, we must turn our newfound energy to curtailing the influence our animal soul exerts over us. This process of is’kafia manifests in any action which subordinates our material wants and needs to our higher spiritual purposes. Waiting to eat until one has prayed or made a blessing, suffering the inconvenience or discomfort of limiting one’s use of technology in observance of Shabbat, and deliberately removing oneself from situations or settings in which sexual desire may tempt one into wrongdoing all exemplify the is’kafia model. Whether connecting spiritually with a mitzvah before partaking in material desires (e.g. making a bracha before eating) or simply avoiding or resisting temptation (e.g. limiting consumption of lurid music or movies), one accomplishes the subjugation of the animal soul to its divine counterpart. Yet this is not a recipe for masochism; as the Baal Shem Tov taught in relation to the command to help an enemy’s fallen donkey, from a spiritual perspective we must be kindly rather than hateful to the wants and needs of the animal soul, even as we subordinate its interests to the higher aims of the divine soul.⁶

For though our primary concern in avoiding relapse must be is’kafia, we may find consolation and encouragement in the prospect of a still greater service we can accomplish with our animal souls. That service is is’hapcha, the transformation of our animal nature and even our past misdeeds into vehicles for spirituality. Our mission as conflicted people is not merely to subdue the evil inclination which arises from our animal souls, but to refine our raw animal nature so that it may be harnessed for divine service. Once again, our work as beinonim is tantamount to temple worship in the times of the Temple: whereas then, people brought material sacrifices that ascended heavenwards on altars, today we elevate our own animal nature by transforming it for spiritual purposes. Practically, this means that even the qualities we associate with our basest attributes can in fact achieve great spiritual purposes. Even a person who struggles with an enormous appetite for food, money, sex or power can habituate himself to avoid indulgence or excess, and then apply his desires toward fueling Torah study, giving charitably, having children, or guiding another’s spiritual journey. In essence, we can turn our baser instincts away from evil and apply them to doing good.⁷ Thus, as our Sages teach, “were it not for the evil inclination, a man would not build a house, marry a woman, or do business.”⁸ How comforting is this thought to one in doldrums over his mighty animal soul! The possibility of refining even his most troublesome attributes provides a more lasting motivation for a struggling person to cleave to the right path, meanwhile alleviating his dissatisfaction with the presence of unwelcome animal desires in himself.

Still further, one may take solace in the thought that even one’s past sins will ultimately be transformed to serve a divine purpose. Understood in this framework, the troubling dissonance between who-I-ought-to-be and who-I-am no longer exists; who-I-ought-to-be must emerge from the struggle that has produced who-I-am, including the painful or shameful things I have done. Yet rather than remaining crushed under the weight of an inescapable past, the beinoni recognizes that he must learn to employ even his most difficult experiences for his life mission: making himself and his surroundings into a fitting dwelling place for Gd. Whereas before, the conflict between his animal and divine soul fueled a vicious cycle of relapse and remorse, a person following the Chasidic approach will see internal conflict itself as evidence of his vital mission on Earth. That mission, he must remember, involves both the subjugation and the refinement of his animal soul. Keeping in mind that he will ultimately employ his animal soul for good, he will not seek to punish or destroy himself physically; rather, he will first apply himself to subjugating his material desires to spirituality. Then, once he has trained himself to turn away from his evil inclination, he must apply himself to doing good, thereby transforming those elements of his character he previously found to be most pernicious. In addition to its intrinsic benefits, this approach promises to reconcile the dissonance between a person’s idealized self and actual self, thereby uprooting depression and connecting a person to his deepest purpose. Thereby, he may realize the full meaning of his spiritual tumult, allowing him to serve Gd with joy and gladness of heart.⁹

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