Self-Identity

MyLife Essay Contest 2015

Question:

Dear Rabbi, I am 17 years old and I am struggling to understand who I am and what direction my life should take. From time to time I think about my life and it really feels like a mess. I have moments when I am “really good” – I am thoughtful, I feel like I’m in control of my actions, I’m considerate of others, I take my studies seriously, I feel productive and positive. Then I have times where I am selfish and self-centered, I can be impulsive, I find myself in situations that I know deep down I shouldn’t be in, I do things that are really quite unimaginable (I don’t know what my parents or friends would think of me if they ever found out). I really feel like an absolute hypocrite. I feel that when I do something positive or something good, I’m really just faking it, because a short time afterwards I can get caught up in something completely terrible. For now I am just continuing to do what I do – but long term I don’t think I can continue like this. The tension, guilt and feelings of hypocrisy are just too unbearable. I’m feeling really lost, what should I do!?

Answer:

Dear Student, at the very outset I want to commend you for coming forward and sharing your concerns with me. I know it isn’t always easy to express the things that are troubling us, but communication with others is really the first step to finding any possible peace of mind or resolution – whatever the issue may be.

I understand from your e-mail that you are feeling deeply confused – and rightfully so. I must tell you, the life that you describe sounds very similar to my own; in fact, it sounds identical to the life of almost everyone I know. This may be surprising to you, but it’s the reality – it is our shared reality. I’m going to take some time to share with you a particular framework that has helped me throughout my life, and I hope that when you look at your own life through this framework, that it will give you some new insight, and perhaps the clarity and peace of mind that you seek.

As we begin to mature, we start to become self-aware. We start to think more deeply about ourselves, we begin to turn inward. As children, and even into our early ‘teens’, we don’t consciously focus inward, we just do what we do, and (for the most part) enjoy every minute of it. We do what we are educated to do, we follow in the footsteps of those around us; we are a direct product of our environment – the home, school and community – in which we are raised. At some stage though, (and for each person this happens at a different time) we begin to ask really difficult questions of ourselves, what am I doing with my life? What is my purpose? Is the life I am currently living worthwhile? Is this who I really am!? It hits us like a ton of bricks. The question is essentially one of identity.

The funny thing is, once you start asking this question, you never really stop. As human beings we are in a state of constant struggle; this tension is always present. Who am I? Am I a good person or am I a bad person? Am I a person who lives to a higher calling or a crass, coarse and mundane person?, Am I a frum Jew who is dedicated to the learning of Torah and the keeping of Mitzvos, or am I a person who impulsively lusts after the physical pleasures that this world freely offers? My actions, my personal conduct, tell a contradictory tale.

At one point or another, when making this self-assessment, when trying to discover who we really are, most of us make a grave and paralyzing mistake. We all know that black is black and white is white. We know, that if something is essentially good, it cannot possibly be bad. We look at ourselves and we make the following calculation: I don’t always think ‘good’ thoughts, I don’t always speak ‘good’ things, and I don’t always act in a ‘good’ fashion. In fact, quite often, I can be very very ‘bad’. With this knowledge, it is downright impossible for me to conclude that I am a good person. For if I was truly good, it would be impossible for me to be involved in such negative behaviors. If I’m good how can I be bad!? We conclude, that essentially we aren’t really ‘good’. Essentially, we’re ‘bad’. Essentially, we are selfish, self-centered, unprincipled, unethical, dishonest people. Any good that we do, is merely a show. It’s fake, it isn’t the real me!

It seems that this is the troubling realization that you have come to. You have finally started to figure out who you are, you’re finally making that transition from the naiveté of childhood to the reality of adulthood – and it ‘ain’t’ pretty!

I think I understand your inner turmoil. However, I would like to make one qualification. Before we can accurately analyze who we are, we need to know what we are – we must fully understand the make-up of the human being, the make-up of the Jew. (Of course, what follows is a brief synopsis as it is relevant to our particular discussion, if there are further details you wish to explore, we can certainly do that at another time)

The person is comprised of three basic elements. One physical body and two spiritual (non-physical) souls. Let’s begin with the body. In a general sense, it would be helpful to think of the body as a computer. A computer is just a machine. It can do nothing of its own accord. The physical computer and its’ various components are what we call ‘the hardware’. The hardware on its’ own is useless. For the computer to function you must download ‘the software’, you have to give the computer an operating system. Although the hardware is elaborate and intricate, without an operating system it simply does not function. The human body – as elaborate, intricate and detailed as it is – is simply the hardware. The brain has the ability to think, the mouth the ability to speak, the hands and feet have the ability for physical activity, but without an operating system, they simply will not function.

The soul is the body’s operating system. It is only through the soul that the body functions (and thus, when the soul leaves the body – when a person passes – the body ceases to function). However – and this is the important bit – G-d created us with two souls, he essentially implanted within us two operating systems – a G-dly soul and an animalistic soul. One system is a G-dly system, the other system is an animal-like system. The G-dly system only operates in a G-dly way – it is unselfish, thought out, it is devoted to Torah and Mitzvos, it is pure, unadulterated, essential good. The animal system, only operates in an animal-like way, it is selfish, self-centered, instinctive, impulsive, and it can descend to a point where it is the antithesis to anything G-dly. These two systems are in constant battle for control of the body (somewhat similar to the ongoing battle in the computer world between the Microsoft and Apple operating systems J). The G-dly soul will push the person toward G-dly pursuits, and the animal soul will do just the opposite. The person ultimately has the bechirah – the free will, to choose which system will operate his body.

Now that we understand a little bit about what we are, we can perhaps begin to understand who we are. The first step in this thought process is understanding that when I am doing something ‘good’ I am essentially ‘good’, and by contrast, when I am doing something ‘bad’ I am essentially ‘bad’. What then is my identity? I am someone who is capable of good and bad. I have two operating systems. When I am doing something good I am truly the ‘good’ me, and when I am doing something ‘bad’ I am truly the bad me. It sounds counterintuitive, but the first step in this process is accepting this duality as a fact of life. It isn’t hypocrisy, it is two entirely different souls, sharing one person. It is the way G-d created us. No matter the depravity of the sin – it is merely my animal soul expressing itself. It isn’t me. It can’t be me. For I am also my G-dly soul, and my G-dly soul can in no way perform a sin. It is not the totality of me, it is a part of me. The other equal and true part of me is my G-dly soul. This doesn’t absolve me of my responsibility for my actions. I have still done something wrong, and I will have to rectify that wrong through the process of teshuvah, however, in terms of my identity this realization has profound ramifications. The innate contradictions of life are not problematic when I am trying to discover my identity – rather, they are my identity.

(I’m pretty sure I can hear you asking, “why did G-d create the human being with this duality?” That is a wonderful question; and the answer leads us into the doctrine of Dirah Betachtonim G-d’s desire to dwell in the mundane, the physical – essentially the very purpose for the creation of the world, and we’ll have to give that idea its proper focus and address it separately).

As mentioned, this is just the first step in the thought process. The second step is even deeper and more profound. Essentially, the Jew is only his G-dly soul. His true reality, the essence of who he is, is G-dliness. The sins he may commit are not him. Even his physical reality, at its’ source stems from his G-dly soul. It isn’t necessarily tangible to the average person, but that is the truth of his identity. There is nothing that truly exists for the Jew, outside of G-d. For now though, let’s focus on the first step, and when you’re ready, I look forward to discussing this second stage in all of its’ detail.