Controlling One’s Feelings By Separating Them From The Facts

MyLife Essay Contest

Introduction:

This essay addresses the issue of dealing with a “nisayon”; a test. In this real life story, the difficult part is the thoughts that creep up, thoughts about the story and thoughts about myself. Without dealing with these thoughts, I am paralyzed.

The methodology in this essay is based on the Rebbe’s “פניהם אחורנית”sicha on Parshat Noah which includes the Ba’al Shem Tov’s mirror theory. This essay is based on one more Chassidic concept, אין דבר עומד בפני הרצון, that I want to live!

All the Hebrew quotes in this essay are from the Rebbe’s sicha on Parshat Noah, Vol 10 pages 24-29.

The Essay:

I would like to pour out my heart and soul to you and tell you about my challenge. My husband and I made Aliyah to Eretz Yisroel almost 21 years ago from Canada, with blessings from the Rebbe. Some years later, one of our sons (who was born in Israel), was enticed by family members to “return to his roots” (ie. Canada). These family members offered him a ticket to a “better” life, without the “baggage” of Torah and mitzvos. Our son took his passport and left, without telling anyone in the house that he was going.

I was devastated. There was no consoling me. All that I stand for and represent in life, all that I have sacrificed in order to give my children a chance at a life of truth, vanished!

If you were in my shoes, I’m sure you would be able to understand the depths to which my soul fell, knowing that one of my own children is now going to live in “that” world, against all that I want for my children. How can I deal with this? How can I get over the hurt? How can I live tomorrow? Can I ever be happy again? For what have I sacrificed my life? Have I been wasting my time for the last few decades?

Now that I’ve poured out my heart and soul….. that was the easy part. I have it down pat. I am hurting. This story is too much for me. I break down. I become dysfunctional.

At this point I went to my friends who offered well-meaning solutions. Don’t talk to your family. Get over it. Nothing you can do about it. Its OK. Then I went to the professionals. How do you feel? Let yourself be upset – time will heal….. None of these “solutions” made me feel any better. In fact, I stared to feel worse and worse.

So, I turned to the Rebbeim for guidance. Surely the answer lies in Chassidus. It has to.

In one of my favourite Rebbe sichas on Parshat Noah, we learn from The Ba’al Shem Tov:

“כאשר אדם רואה רע בזולתו, הרי זו הוכחה ש(דוגמת) אותו רע נמצא בו בעצמו…..וזה שמראים לו עניין של “רע” – זוהי הוראה שהרע נמצא בו והוא צריך לתקן את עצמו…”

In other words, everything we see is for our own good. This too is an opportunity. This “mirror” is for my growth. I just need to know what the growth here will be. I never kidnapped anyone. I never betrayed anyone…. So what can I learn here? And how will I go about learning it?

The sicha is about human behavior. On the passuk:

“.פניהם אחורנית וערוות אביהם לא ראו”

We are told that:
a)Shem and Yafet saw only a fact (that their father was naked) and dealt with it.

“הם רואים ויודעים רק את העבודה המוטלת עליהם בזה.”

b) Cham on the other hand, saw his father and the bad about the situation. This bad was the reflection of Cham’s interpretation of the situation.

‘[חם] ראה בנח את הלא טוב.”

And so the Rebbe concludes:

“צריך להתבונן מה לעשות בזה, איך להוכיחו (וכנ”ל באופן הראוי) ולתקנו: ובה בשעה גם לבקש עצה וכל מיני השתדלות שלא “יראה” את הרע של חבירו….”

In my own words, The Rebbe says that we have to know that if we are emotionally entangled (feelings) the work is with us. And at the same time and without being emotionally entangled, we need to deal with the facts. But this important message means that I have to be able toidentify which parts of the story are the feelings and which parts are the facts before I can go forward.

OK, so I tried to do just that.

The facts are: My son left for Canada. My family bought a ticket for my son. No-one told me that my son was going to Canada. My son is currently living a different lifestyle than the one I had hoped for him. This is dry. No feeling or interpretation here. This is cold. These are facts. This is the part that is external to me. I didn’t create these facts. These facts are not at all in my control.

Then there are the feeling/interpretations/imaginings. These go on forever. I’m an inadequate mother. If a were a better mother…. If my children were more connected to me…. If Hashem loved me,,,, I have been betrayed… there is no justice in the world….if only… The feelings are fiery. They come from my emotions. These same feelings come up in many other places as well. When the principal calls to tell me that one of my children is being sent home from school…. When a driver cuts me off on the road…… Different events, different players, same emotions. Why? The feelings of inadequacy/betrayal/injustice/unfairness belong to me. These feelings are not dependent on anyone else.

The facts are external to me. Hashgacha Pratis (Divine Providence). The feelings are internal to me. I feel.

I don’t deny the facts. They are cold, intellectual. By Divine Providence, these facts were sent to me, as an opportunity. Not as a punishment for anything I’ve done or not done. Not as a consequence of something that I or someone else did.

I don’t deny the feelings either. They are fiery, emotional. They are my feelings. They do not make me into a bad or inadequate person.

The facts are not dependent on the feelings. And the feelings are actually not dependent on the facts. I am able to separate between them.

Now that I have separated between the facts and the feelings/interpretations I feel that there is order in the world. The confusion has disappeared. I am no longer plagued by every thought. The facts can be dealt with. The feelings can also be dealt with. I understand that I am in control again. I am empowered because I can control my own feelings. And I am able to accept that I cannot control the facts.

Once I understood that the facts and the feelings are absolutely not related, I can cope. I can function.

I am calm. I am at peace. I can live!

וזכיתי “…להיות כלים [כלי] לתורה – שהכלי לתורה הוא השלום…”